overheard in a conversation I was in while on vacation
“we’re all going to get murdered- my 7th grade step daughter
my reaction: I took a family trip to Florida. Notice how I didn’t say I took the family to Florida. I don’t have that kind of money. We stayed at a nice Air bnb in Fort Lauderdale in a gated marina that stored yachts and expensive boats. I’m not sure how she thought we were going to get murdered. It was a safe area. The only way we were going to get murdered is by a pack of alligators. She doesn’t get out much.
bus bench ads
You can tell a lot about a city by looking at the ads on the bench at a bus stop. Fort Lauderdale was flooded with ads that said Sexually Risky? Get tested for STDs. Obviously they have a STD problem. I guess the locals don’t like wearing condoms. Florida is also full of a lot of old people too. I guess all these old people are raw dogging each other on the daily. YOLO or FOMO these old people are hooking up more than me.
air inconvenience
I slept on a mattress for most of the trip. My son strained his neck on the air mattress the first night, so being the man that am I said I will sleep on it for the rest of the trip. I don’t know why they call it an air mattress. A mattress is soft, comfortable, and plush. It makes a bed a bed. An air mattress is he opposite of that, it’s not comfortable. It’s plastic. It makes a wincing noise every time you move. It’s like sleeping on a deflated floatable water raft on a cement floor.
smoothie hustle
Fort Lauderdale food is expensive. I spent a lot of money on smoothies that were $10. A smoothie shouldn’t cost more than $4. I probably spent over $100 on smoothies. The price of one smoothie is more than a meal at Applebee’s. I don’t know why smoothies are so expensive in Florida? Isn’t Florida closer to the farms that produce all this fruit for the smoothie?
jamaican food
I went to a Jamaican restaurant called the Jerk Machine. I went there expecting to get a happy ending but all I got was rice and chicken. This restaurant was really called the Jerk Machine. The Jerk Machine sounds like a robot that will get you off for a quarter. I’d save my quarters for that kind of robot.
universal hot
There are a lot of good looking people in Florida. Even the senior citizens are good looking. No matter what age girls are, all of them wear thongs. It’s true from teens to grandmas. It’s good to see people have positive body image but also gross. Seeing all these hot people made me feel even uglier though. Man… hot people are the norm there. If your hot there your actually just average and if your average your just god awful ugly.
sand models
We went to the beach everyday. There are so much beaches in Florida. The whole coast is a beach. I noticed every time a girl was on the beach she turned into a model. As soon as her toe hit a grain of sand a normal girl would become a super model. So many girls were doing sexy pics of themselves by bending over, on all fours, and blowing kisses to the camera. I’ve seen enough of “hot beach pics”. I want to see girls take pics in a swamp, alley, or near a dumpster. Be original.
I scream at ice cream
We liked to get dessert while on vacation. Everyone does. It’s a time to splurge and activate those sweet teeth. We went to this old fashioned ice cream place called Jackson’s where it looks like it’s from the 1960s. I don’t think it was old fashioned at all. How can you be old fashioned with all new ingredients? The prices weren’t old fashioned at all. The prices were from the future. They charged $8 a scoop or what they called 1/4 lb. They measured there ice cream scoops in pounds. They use the same scale to weigh ice cream as McDonalds does burgers. We should’ve left but hey it’s not often you can eat a quarter pound of ice cream.
hot hot tub
We had access to a hot tub and pool at our air bnb. I had a nightly ritual of going to the hot tub. One night I was all alone in the hot tub so I did what anyone else would do and peed in it. Then 5 minutes later a woman came in. So, it was just me and this old woman sitting in a hot tub full of my pee. I played it cool and gave no indication of how I peed in the tub. It’s common practice to pee in a pool but not a hot tub. A pool is a lot bigger but a hot tub is just a small circle.
air b n b rich
I like staying at Air bnb’s because I can act richer than I really am. I will use everything in excess. I will use extra hand soap to wash my hands. I will shampoo my hair like it’s never been shampooed before. I will wipe my @ss with a full roll of toilet paper each time I sh*t. My hands never cleaner. My hair never better. My @ss was never fresher. Thanks to the Air bnb for letting me live it up.
airport wings
Lastly I made a huge mistake of ordering hot wings at the airport before we got on our flight back home. I had to eat them on the plane. My beard and fingers were full of hot wing sauce. I got a stomachache mid flight. I just had to grin and bear it. Never again will I order airport hot wings before boarding a 3 hour flight.
doogie howser moment
Well we didn’t get murdered unless you count the price of smoothies and ice cream that killed my pocket. But with all the soap, shampoo, body wash I used and toilet paper I stole from the air bnb I was able to break even. I’m just glad I escaped Florida without contracting an std from a grandma wearing a thong. The nearest thing I contracted that was close to an STD was the runs from the airport wings.