overheard in a conversation I wasn’t in
“I’d laugh if my boyfriend wanted me to wear a strap on”- random girl
my reaction: Yes, she should laugh. That’s a laughable moment. I’d hope my gf would laugh at me too. I couldn’t imagine her saying to me in a sultry romantic voice “I’d love to peg you my sweet sweet love.”
take a stand
I’ve seen quite a few lemonade stands this summer. I’d really thought I saw the last of them years ago. I’m glad to see there making a comeback. It’s a blast from the past. There nostalgic. I recently saw one with a friend of mine. As we were driving by the kid running it yelled “get your lemonade…10 percent of proceeds go to charity.” Hmm… charity? I need to inquire about this. I decided to call his bluff and ask him, “what charity?”. It took him awhile to answer. He looked at us with a blank stare that seemed like eternity. He seemed confused. At this point I wasn’t sure what was going on. He finally replied in a very awkward manner, “cancer….maybe?” Cancer….maybe? I had no faith that any of the money he made was going to cancer. Looking back I bet he wasn’t even selling real lemonade.
KFD
Every time I see a car license plate I think of acronyms. It keeps me entertained while driving. One night while driving I saw a plate that read 961 KFD. So I had the letters KFD to work with. KFD? So without any hesitation my mind went immediately to Kentucky Fried D*cks. I didn’t think of Kittens Follow Ducks or Kangaroos Fly Drunk, I thought of Kentucky Fried D*cks. Then I went so far as to think how would that taste? And who’s d*cks are we frying? Moose? Squirrel? Kangaroo? Then I stopped thinking of it. I broke my rule of acronyms by taking it too far.
inch by inch
There’s a tanning salon by my house that’s called Inch by Inch. That’s great because all I need is 3 inches.
help me help you
I like helping people in need. It makes me feel good. But what it really boils down to is that I don’t like telling people no. I feel like I’m failing them. If someone asks me for a cigarette I feel bad I can’t give them one because I don’t smoke. I’m like, “sorry man wish I smoked just so that I could give you one.” Shoot, I might just start smoking just so I won’t let someone down in the future. I feel bad I can’t support their bad habit. I want to help people even if it’s enabling them.
12 pack dude
I feel bad for grown men who go to the store who just buy a 12 pack of soda. That’s it. Nothing else. A 12 pack of soda is the pinnacle of their night. I assume that will be consumed in there mom’s basement playing video games. That’s the peak of their night. A 12 pack of Mountain Dew. This person is not going out on a date or doing anything fun. No one pre games with just soda. At best he might order a pizza. That’s the only way his night gets better. A pizza.
art of war
I just bought the book Art of War at Goodwill for $1.50. There’s no reason I should be reading this book. I don’t plan in being in or starting a war. I just had a baby. What do I need to know about war? If anything I should’ve bought a book on parenting not war. I can’t believe this book hasn’t been censored yet. It’s a manual on how to be good at wars. We don’t need our enemies getting tips on how to kill. The world doesn’t need that especially for a $1.50.
doogie howser moment
It’s good to help people out but it’s also okay to say no as well. You don’t need to support lemonade stands even though they say proceeds go to charity. That kid could be lying. If so, I hope that kid ends up like the guy who buys a 12 pack of soda.. alone. I shouldn’t make fun of people who buy 12 pack of sodas because I spend my time making acronyms of people’s license plates. To the lying kid who is embezzling money, be prepared for war.