wrong sound effects
I like to eat steak and go ‘ahh’ and drink water and go ‘yum’.
salt life
Our house is full of Himalayan sea salt lamps. We have so many it’s like we’re living in a salt mine. I thought Doctors recommend that you eat a diet low in sodium? I don’t get how this gimmick started. Salt lamps? It’s just salt. What’s next pepper lamps?
proudly serving
I don’t like when restaurants put up signs that say “Proudly serving Pepsi”. That’s a little strong. No one is that proud to serve soda. People are proud about there heritage, culture, and history not a dumb soda that’s bad for you.
in garbage we trust
My garbage can has the city’s coat of arms on it. It’s a shield that is divided in 4 parts. In one of the sections it says “In God We Trust”. Why does God have to be on my garbage can? Should we be really mixing religion and sanitation? I don’t trust God to pick up the garbage, I trust the garbage men to.
fly poop
One day as I walked by a piece of dog poop on the road the flies on it flew away. Don’t worry flies I don’t want your dog poop. No need to abandon your poop. These flies were intimidated by me like I was going to take their stash of poop. No offense flies, I have my own poop.
strolling
When I’m pushing a baby stroller every woman who passes by me smiles, but if I were to walk alone past these same women they would not make eye contact. They would ignore me, look the other way, or act like I don’t exist. The power of a baby stroller. I might just push an empty baby stroller rest of my life.
knock it off
You know how some companies make a product after a name brand. They do it with medicine, food, and beverages. It’s basically a knockoff of the real brand. It’s the generic brand. For example, the knock off of Jack Daniels whiskey is Evan Williams. There’s a knock off of Froot Loops called Far Out Fruities. Well, I’m going to start my own brand. You’ve heard of Captain Morgan and it’s generic brand Adirmal Nelson. I’m going to make a generic brand of Admiral Nelson called Seamen Sam. I even have a slogan for it. Take a swig of Seaman Sam and you’ll be happy to get some clam.
doogie howser moment
I love a good knock off. I love bootleg products. That’s why if I ever own a restaurant I’ll be proudly serving Seamen Sam and you can say “yum” or “ah”. I can decorate my restaurant with all the salt lamps in our house. It’ll be great. I can have my own garbage cans that say “In Garbage Men We Trust”. I’ll be on top of the world as I push my empty baby stroller or the bottom of the world if the stroller is empty.