the stuffed son
My son was constipated the other day so I asked him how his butt was after we gave him a suppository and he said, “super good”.
the last x mas tree
I bought a Christmas Tree for the first time with my own money. Usually, I rely on my gf (the breadwinner) in our relationship to buy it but this year I decided to fork some dough over(actually I was bored and wanted to leave the house). I bought a tree at a place called George’s Bait and Battery. It’s a bait and tackle shop in a not so good neighborhood. I was hoping the tree was going to be cheap because it wasn’t in the best neighborhood. I arrived at George’s Bait and Battery to find George’s thirteen year old son working there with his sister, baby sister, and I assume George’s girlfriend. No George was to be found. I asked the kid where are the cheap ones and he pointed to a $70 tree. Wait….$70 for the cheap one I thought to myself. I didn’t want to leave without a tree. I had my son with me. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I want him to be proud of me. So, I bought the $70 tree like a good dad. It will be the last time I buy a tree. Next year I’m going to cut one down in a forest illegally.
5 percenter
I was driving behind a semi on the way to work and there was a sign that said, “95% of drivers go home on a daily basis”. That’s nice but what happens to the other 5%? Do they go to the bar after work and cheat on their wife? Do they end up dying? I know that sign is supposed to entice me to drive truck but it begs more questions. It makes me feel like the other 5% disappear. I don’t know if I want to drive truck. Do they think going home is a good idea? The only way I want to go home is if the house is empty.
production facility
I make a big production of small things in my life such as doing errands or grocery shopping. I give myself anxiety when I have a list of items to get for my gf. I want to make sure I’m getting the right things. I don’t want to mess up. I want to have a successful journey in getting the right items. I don’t want to be a failure. I will fret if my gf says, “can you pick up cheese, crackers, and eggs?” because I will analyze it too much. I will call her to confirm when I’m in the aisle about to get the items. I will whisper in the phone so customers around don’t hear me say, “what kind of eggs you want? medium? large? x large? brown or white? What kind of shredded cheddar cheese? mild or sharp? They’re are out of saltines? I don’t know what crackers to get. You want rectangles or circles? These crackers are driving me crazy. Hun… I’m freaking out. There’s too many options. I’m aborting mission”. This is why I can’t go grocery shopping. There’s too many d*mn options.
birthday cut
I went to a birthday party for a 6 year old. I should clarify, I went to a 6 year old birthday party with my son. It would be odd if I was invited to a 6 year old party and my 5 year old son wasn’t. Anyways there was a kid with the same hairstyle as me. This kid has the exact same man bun as me. I immediately felt insecure. I wanted to hide it but I couldn’t. I had to wear it with pride. I stood my ground. I didn’t back down. Honestly even though I’m 40 I still wore it better than him. I won the battle of the buns.
70%
A couple of weeks when I was feeling sick my gf said, “I need you at 100%”. You know so I can help out around the house, do my part, and help with the kids. I responded “How low of a percentage can I go?” I wanted to see how much I could slack without getting in trouble. She said, “at least 70%…”. I thought to myself “Um…I’ve been at 70% for the last 10 years.” To my defense, if I gave it my all I would be exhausted, tired, and weak. I wouldn’t be able to function. I give it my all just at 70%.
doogie howser moment
I don’t want to hold anything back like my son holding back his poop. I’m not going to constipate my thoughts. I remember someone saying better out than in. It’s very true unless your watching great great grandma porn then you have issues. I guess I am holding back with what I say if I’m only at 70%. I don’t want to let you in on all my thoughts but I’m still insecure that a 6 year old kid that’s not mine has the same haircut as me. I know I’m making a big deal when in reality it isn’t. I could just get a haircut. In conclusion, I do want to be home like 95% of semi drivers so I can enjoy my $70 Christmas tree.