never alone
I have a family but if had a chance to start a new family I would have 5 kids. I would name them Buzz, Megan, Linnie, Jeff, and Kevin so I’ll never be home alone.
the hair up there
About 15 years ago my brother bought me a nose/ear hair trimmer for Christmas. Initially, I was offended by this gift, but in retrospect, I’m thankful. I took it as insult and I shouldn’t have. You’d thought he bought me a penis pump or something. I’ve had protruding nose hairs for my entire life. He was the first to notice. Just recently my ear hairs have been sprouting like weeds. My nose hair is so bad it looks like I have a bush coming out of it. Times like this I wish I had that trimmer. I never used it. I have so much hair I need my ears and nose hair waxed. I need a bikini wax for my ear and nose. Someone wax me please.
he’s coming
One day my mom was over watching her granddaughter and shooting the breeze. We were all hanging out in the living room with the front door open. I tend to leave the front door open and don’t lock it when get home. My mom said, “the Amazon man is going to come in and get me” if I leave the door open. When she says Amazon Man she is referring to the Amazon Delivery Driver. We get a lot of deliveries from Amazon. We get daily deliveries from the Amazon Man. I hope the Amazon Man has better things to do than getting me. The Amazon Man sounds like a horror movie. I can see the tag line now. The Amazon Man not only delivers your packages on time but he delivers evil right to your doorstep. He’s got a package of fear. The Amazon Man coming soon to your neighborhood.
flip out
When I bought my new flip phone weeks ago I immediately threw away the box and receipt thinking I didn’t need it. I got cocky like yeah I won’t need to return this phone. A week later my phone hasn’t been working properly. It blacks out like a drunk teen. The screen loads like a bad internet connection. I called the store where I bought it and they said I need the box and receipt which I don’t have. I’m not sure why I trusted a flip phone to work properly. It’s like expecting love from a hooker. Flip phones are made poorly. Never get arrogant about a flip phone.
im human
My favorite excuse in the world is ‘im human’ because no one can disagree with you. Its true. It’s the best excuse in the world unless your an animal. Animals are not human. If you make a mistake in life, just blame being human. Being human is a valid excuse. Humans are not smart. Blame being human if you make a mistake. Just say, “I’m only human” after you name call, lie, cheat, steal, kill, murder, sin, blow up the world. Remember you’re only human.
downhill from here
I went sledding with a couple of friends and their kids. Sometimes you got to spice things up as regular sledding gets boring. I decided to ride on top of a tube with another dad. I didn’t sit on his lap. I took it a step further. He laid on the tube first and then I climbed on top of him. We were crotch to face on the tube. We were in the position of 69. We 69’d down the hill. That’s the kind of stunts I’m doing. It was a low risk high reward stunt. It was a dad stunt. The sledding hill we went down will be forever known as 69 hill.
doogie howser moment
I would never start a new family and give them names from the movie Home Alone. I’m glad for my real life family. They look up to me even though I have a flip phone and do the 69 position with another dad on a tube while sledding. I appreciate my brother for keeping it real with me and buying me a nose trimmer. It took me 15 years to appreciate it but it’s never too late to show gratitude. We all need someone to be honest with us because we’re all human even the Amazon Man.