overhead in a conversation I was in a long time ago
“Remember this on your wedding day”- me as I pull down my pants, bend over, and spread my @$$ cheeks as wide as can be to my brother’s girlfriend at the time during breakfast 15 years ago
My reaction: It was all in good fun to my defense but probably not to her. It wasn’t just my cheeks I showed it was the innards of my anal cavity. I mean it was funny… until they broke up. It’s one of those things that are only funny until you break up with that person… then it’s just weird.I did it thinking they were going to get married but that never happened. She is married to a different guy. I often wonder did she remember what I did that morning to her on her wedding day. I mean she had to remember that’s something you don’t forget. That’s something your brain can’t erase.
minivan mayhem
One of the supervisors at work has a minivan but no family, no kids, not even a boyfriend with kids. She straight up has never had a family of any sort to justify driving a minivan. Your in your 50s, single, and a supervisor making supervisor money and you drive a minivan? You also work part time at a Sub shop on the weekend. For what? There are so many red flags here. No one wants to drive a minivan, they are forced to because they have a family. I really try to not judge people but your a single lady who drives a minivan. I could understand if you were a really good Aunt to your nieces and nephews and babysit them a lot but that’s not true. At least make it look like you have a kid and put a car seat in the back.
grass graveyard
You know how most people want the best grass on the block, well I’m trying to get the worst lawn. All my neighbors treat there grass with fertilizer, water it daily, and mow it regularly. I, on the other hand, don’t do any of that. I passive aggressively want my yard to be an eyesore so my neighbors can have something to complain about. It wasn’t a goal of mine, it just kinda happened naturally. My grass is so dead it looks like someone spray painted it yellow. It actually hurts to walk on it. It feels like walking on dead pubes that have been in a controlled burn. My yard is so bad that grass goes there to die.
bae-ground
The only reason I take my son to a playground anymore is to look at moms. Hot moms, regular moms, ugly moms you name it. I used to take my son to socialize and get exercise, now I just go to look at middle aged women on the cusp of losing it all….physically and emotionally. I love some good varicose veins and cottage cheese. Actually… as I have gotten older I’ve grown to like my “wine aged’. If my girlfriend ever leaves me, I’m not going to the club to pick up girls I’m going to the playground.
the chip
I was at a friends house for a cornhole tourney last week. There were about 14 guys there. There was coolers full of beer, corn on the cob, and light appetizers . Since Covid, I’ve been very skeptic of food at other people’s houses. There are only certain items I will eat and chips is not one of them. It’s on my DNE “Do Not Eat” list. My friend, however had a different idea. He went for the chips and salsa. You hardly know these guys, you can’t trust them. I looked at him with disgust as he reached his hand down to the bottom of the bag grasping a chip. He then double downed and dipped into the salsa, even sicker. Do you know how many unwashed hands have been diving in that bag of chips? No one is that good of a chip grabber that they can just touch and take one chip while not infecting the other chips. Every chip in that bag has been compromised. Don’t eat from the public chip bag. It may seem like a good idea but you can wait. It’s just a chip.
3x
My girlfriend is allocating only 3 poops per day for me effective immediately. I can’t even be mad about that. 3 times per day is a lot for normal people but for me it’s status quo. Apparently, my defecation is taking time from the family. My movements have been getting out of hand lately. I’ve been isolating myself, the kids don’t get to see me, and I’m not emotionally present. Spicy food is to blame. Sorry jalapeños we can’t see each other anymore.
Pulling back the curtains on Tony Campbell
Campbell was selected 20th overall by the Detroit Pistons in the 1984 NBA draft. Campbell became the first player to earn an NBA ring (1987–88 Lakers) and CBA ring (Albany Patroons) in the same season. It is kind of a strange yet neat factoid. The CBA was the Continental Basketball Association. It was the league below the NBA at the time (Think NBA G League). In 1989 he was signed as an unrestricted free agent by the Minnesota Timberwolves, for whom he averaged 23.2 points and 5.5 rebounds per game in their inaugural season. He held the Timberwolves’ original all-time scoring record, scoring 4,888 points but obviously someone would break that record but still an accomplishment. Someone has to set the standards.
doogie howser moment
Don’t eat chips at people’s houses your not familiar with. Don’t ruin someone’s future wedding day by showing them your a$$hole. Go to the playground and find your future partner.