new buzzword I say
statistically
my reaction: When I’m in a conversation with my gf I will say “statistically” and then make a false statement about her. For example, I confronted her about cheating on me. She would never cheat on me. I just like making false accusations with no merit. She obviously denied cheating on me because she wouldn’t. I said, “statistically… you could be” and she responded “statistically… yes, that’s true” because statistically it could happen.
american eagle
It’s common practice in the shower to wash your butt with a wash rag or hand but I don’t. I do a spread eagle when I’m in the shower and let the force of the water from the shower head do it’s work. I was explaining this to a guy and he looked at me strange. I thought this was the most hygienic way to do it. I’m not wasting a perfectly good rag and I’m definitely not using my hand. I’m going to let the water do it’s work. Water is life. The trick is to get a good stance, bend over, and spread the cheeks as far as you can to let the water penetrate. It’s the same theory as using a water flosser. It’s water floss for your butt.
grab a cold one
My left butt cheek has been intermittently cold the last couple of weeks. I’m super confused on why. It’s a cold sensation that comes and goes. It feels like my butt is leaking coolant. Historically, butts are never cold they are always warm. I’m not sure why I have a cold butt. I don’t eat ice cream. I don’t eat a lot of cold food. It’s not been cold outside lately. I actually don’t mind it. It’s a fun sensation. It’s one of my body’s greatest mysteries. I will embrace my cold butt.
elementary my dear prick
My son is 1st grade and I’ve called countless kids in his grade “pricks”. I’m so sensitive when it comes to him. If I see a kid playing with him in not a nice manner I will mutter under my breath prick. I will call out that kid in my head and imagine me tripping him or inflicting some kind of pain. I get angry. They could be playing a game of tag , there will be a argument, it will be his fault but I will take my son’s side. A girl could be mean to him and I will still say “prick”. Actually, I will call her the b word in my head.
go green
I like eating asparagus because it makes my pee smell real funky. I’m sick of pee that doesn’t smell. It’s too boring. There’s nothing exciting about regular pee. It’s like when you smell your own farts and you’re like yeah… that was good. The worse the smell the better. It’s the same concept with pee for me. I like a heavy scented pee where I’m like yep I just ate aspargus. I can smell all the nutrients. I can see the green pee. It looks like I’m celebrating St. Patricks day. It looks like I dyed my pee green.
like father
A lot of parents want thier kids to be like them. I don’t want that. I don’t want to make another me. I don’t want a clone. I want my son to get into things I’ve never had. I want him to pave his own path. I want him to be a theater kid who skateboards. I want him to play the cello. I want him to be a hunter, fisher, and outdoorsmen. I wan’t him to be strong, have courage, and take risks. I want him to be successful, rich, and handsome. I want him to have a regular sized head.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, kids can be so cruel. I love that term because it allows me to call kids pricks in my head. I hope my kid isn’t a prick. I hope he paves his own path. He doesn’t need to follow my path. He doesn’t have to do spread eagles in the shower. He doesn’t have to enjoy his asparagus pee. He can find his own wierd things to like. He will be wierd. Lastly, we are all weird, statistically.