overheard in a conversation I was in a long time ago
“your the world’s biggest doosh bag”– me to my younger brother while on vacation in San Diego
My reaction: At the very moment he was the worlds largest d bag because he put bro’s before hoes. But in retrospect you should always put “hoes” before bros. It’s not easy getting tail these days. What can my “bros” give me? Nothing… exactly. Most of my friends just make fun of me. So, my brother was right. Pick hoes before bro’s. What a dumb saying though ? I have a family. I can’t say that now. Family first. I can’t say “clam before fam”.
let me go
One day I just kept saying to my girlfriend “let me go…just let me go”. I repeated it probably 10 times that morning. I did the classic line “If you love me you would let me go.” I didn’t want her to break up with me. I just wanted to get out of the house. Let me go…….
trac-king
I bought a shirt online and they gave me the UPS tracking number for the package . That’s kind’ve neat but utterly useless. What’s the point of a tracking number? What am I going to do? Does it matter if I know when my package left the factory and got on the delivery truck? It’s a shirt that I don’t need. You can watch the journey your package goes on. How bored do you have to be? Look my package made a stop in Idaho. What’s it doing? Getting potatoes? Did it get tired and get an air b n b? We don’t know if absentee votes will work but I can order a dildo online and see every stop it makes.
double crossed
I made an appointment to give blood to the Red Cross because they were giving away $5 Amazon Gift Cards. Wow… so generous Red Cross. Don’t be too kind. I can’t even buy a dildo for that. I could buy 1/4th of a dildo. Which is useless. I went to my appointment and the volunteer checking people in couldn’t find my name on their list. He said, “yeah… we don’t accept walk ins… because of this whole covid thing… people are kinda squirrely”. I told him “I’m not a walk in” I made an appointment online for 3:30 at this location. He went to find the coordinator and she kept saying, “we don’t take walk ins” and talked to me as if I made a mistake at what location I’m at. She said I needed an email to show I had an appointment. I don’t have a smartphone so I couldn’t pull it up. All the while she was holding a smartphone. I asked if she had a computer to use. She said they weren’t for outside use. I asked her to speak to her supervisor who emailed me earlier. She replied, “ Well….she works remotely… she is probably at home..” Okay… then call her as I’m thinking in my head. At this point it was becoming an argument. I didn’t want to fight someone about donating blood. Who is that desperate to give blood? Who wants a needle in their arm and feel woozy? Nobody. I guess they sell the blood that people donate for free to hospitals at outrageous prices. That’s not cool. It’s a bloody sweat shop of blood. Also, the people working their looked disheveled and unkempt. They looked like they gave too much blood in their life and never bounced back. It sucked because I left work early and made an effort to get there. They can take their red cross and shove it up their tight @ss. Red Cross…. your the world’s biggest doosh bag.
new aunt
I got a Christmas gift from my mother in law to ancestry.com. The “test” requires you to spit in a tube and 2 weeks later they tell you what you are. It’s the real “You…Tube”. They should call it YouSpit. According to Ancestry.com I have a new Aunt. She messaged me saying, “hiiii new nephew”. She said stuff like lol, used emojis, and bad grammar. Is this my new aunt or my new neice? She sounds like a teen girl stuck in a 40 year old body. I checked out her profile pic and it looked like a sexy selfie. Who the hell is trying to be sexy on ancestry.com? Your trying to find your family not hook up. Maybe she thought she was on the newest dating app… Incestry.
overheard in a conversation I was in again
“oops… it went out the wrong way”- 7th grade step daughter referring to her own fart
My reaction: What do you mean the wrong way? There is only way a fart can go. It’s not like it can come out the nose, ear, or mouth. “Oops it went down the wrong pipe?” There’s only one fart pipe in your body and that’s through the butthole.
pulling back the curtains on Charlie Ward
Charlie Ward was picked in the 1st round of 1994 Draft by the New York Knicks with the 26th overall pick. During his NBA career, Ward established himself as a good three-point shooter, a reliable ball distributor, and a respected floor leader. Ward was selected to participate in the 1998 NBA All-Star three-point competition, finishing fourth in the event. He is the only player in the NBA to win the Heisman Trophy (yearly award given to best collegiate football player). He is also one of the very few players who won a Heisman Trophy but not drafted in the NFL. Another fact was that he was drafted as a pitcher by the Milwaukee Brewers in 59th round of the 1993 free agent draft even though he did not play baseball since High School. This guy could’ve played 3 sports professionally. Imagine being so good at multiple things on a professional level. I’m also good at multiple things too, such as self-deprecation, making excuses, and complaining.
doogie howser moment
You know the old saying, “fam before clam”. Don’t hook up with someone on ancestry.com. If you want to give blood don’t go through Red Cross. They make money off your blood. And Stop tracking your packages even if it’s a dildo. Let it be a surprise when it arrives.