overheard in a conversation I was in
“get off my nuts”- me to my gf after dinner as my step child just shook her head in disgust as she walked into the kitchen
My reaction: I forget in what context I used it in but it was in context. I think I was bragging to my gf that I got something she didn’t. Real mature. I know. To my defense her step daughter just walked in the room. But I already was saying “get off” and I couldn’t go back. She is in 7th grade and listens to Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B. I’m sure she has heard much worse than “get off my nuts”.
tender cock a doodle doo
My co worker’s favorite food is chicken tenders. She even said, “tenders are my go to meal”. Tenders are not a meal. It’s more of a glorified snack. They should only be a favorite food item for a kid. There has to be a point in your life where you have to grow out of it. The day you turn 25 you can no longer have chicken tenders as your favorite food. I didn’t say you can’t like them, they just can’t be your favorite food anymore. They can’t be in your top 5. Sorry. The same goes with pizza, hot dogs, and mac n cheese. Grow out of it. Expand your taste buds. So… that night I had chicken tenders.
Laugh dagger
My girlfriend was talking to her ex husband on the phone because they share kids together, which is fine, I don’t mind. But what I do mind is the laughter that comes out when she does talk to him. I don’t mind a fake laugh, a fake giggle, but when it’s a high audible cackle, that’s what hurts. The laugh was so much louder than the conversation that it was concerning. Every laugh just struck my heart like a freshly thrown dagger from a ninja. I think the only time I get jealous is when my lady laughs at another mans joke. Flirt with him, eye him up, but don’t laugh. Just don’t laugh. Moments after the conversation I confronted her about it. “Sooo…you were laughing again…huh?” in a very passive aggressive manner. She explained to me that she was laughing in awe because he wouldn’t pay his share of a bill. It was a “I’m in shock of your response to my request kinda laugh’. I guess I got it all wrong. I retract everything I just said.
butt farts
I’ve gotten so used to people wearing masks that I just rip farts whenever. I promised months ago that I would never make a fart joke again, but “hey I want to enjoy life”. I love public farting where masks are mandatory because no one can contact trace where it came from. It’s fool proof. But sometimes I forget when I’m in a place where masks aren’t mandatory and I start ‘splitting cheeks’. That’s when I get in real trouble. Then you can definitely contact trace the origin of the fart to me. I know I shouldn’t care, but I look like a guy who farts in public. It would all come back to me. “The disheveled looking guy with the smirk did it” they would say. If my farts were Covid-19 then my butthole is Wuhan. It originated with me.
dog nips
I am very particular of what dogs I like. I only like boy dogs. Girl dogs are strange because they look like boy dogs with way too many nipples. One nipple is way too many but six? Six nips? I’m not trying to pet a dog and then accidentally graze a nip. It makes me cringe every time I touch one. My hand remembers the feeling of touching a dog nipple. You know? That’s why dogs should be dudes only. I will never pet a female dog again. Sorry but I don’t like b*tches.
dishes or sluts
My girlfriend was taking our son to the Halloween store to get him a costume. I really wanted to go to see him get a costume and because I knew their would be sluts, but I had to do the dishes. I was super jealous that they were going to see sluts. I asked my gf to count how many sluts there were going to be. She promised me that there weren’t going to be any sluts. I took her word for it. I trust her. They left and eventually came back within an hours time. The first thing I asked, “was there any sluts?” I trembled. I was nervous. What was she going to say? 1 slut, 2 slut, 3 slut? She finally broke her silence…”there was no sluts… just a couple of old ladies”. I was relieved. I didn’t miss out on seeing any sluts. I made the better choice by doing the dishes.
pulling back the curtains on Cedric Ceballos
Cedric Ceballos was drafted by the Phoenix Suns in the 2nd round with the 48th overall pick in 1990. He attended Ventura College (no affiliation with Ace Ventura the Pet Detective) and Cal State Fullerton. He won the 1992 NBA Slam Dunk contest with a blindfolded dunk. That’s pretty amazing. I coulnd’t even blind fold dunk my balls into the toilet. In the 94-95 season he led the Lakers in scoring with 21 points per game getting his first and only All Star selection. In the 95-96 season he notched the Lakers first 50 point game in 20 years. Now everyone is scoring 50 point games. Ceballos also worked on a couple of tracks featuring an array of early 1990s NBA players called B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret. Maybe they should’ve just kept it a secret.
doogie howser moment
I don’t care what anyone says female dogs are gross. Chicken tenders are for kids. And if you don’t agree you can “get off my nuts”. Seriously, get off my cashews I need my protein.