something I want to buy
a blowup doll
my reaction: I’m not going to have s*x with it. I want a blowup doll to cuddle with. I share a king size bed with my gf so I don’t even realize she is in bed sometimes. I would even tape up all the holes in the blowup doll just to show you serious I am. I would want a heated blowup doll to keep me warm at night. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
browser
My eyebrows are atrocious when I wake up. They go every which way. It looks like my brows went through a tornado. My eyebrows look like Grouch’s from Sesame Street. My brows are thick and black. I have to constantly wipe them down with lip spit and my fingers. It’s like someone took a curling iron to them every morning. They don’t want to stay straight. Maybe I’ll shave them off and then get them penciled in like women do. I’ll draw on some perfectly lined eyebrows with a sharpie.
pounder
Last week my stepdaughter’s high school friends pounded on the front door of our house and ran. It happened twice in one night. I was ready to chase them but I was in my underwear. I didn’t want to chase a teen girl in my underwear. I would’ve gone to jail. I didn’t know it was a teen girl because everyone was wearing hoodies. It would’ve been bad press if I tackled a teen girl in my underwear even though they were harassing my family. Next time I’m tackling these holligans. I don’t care if I’m naked. I might go to jail but at least I know they’ll never come back.
see moss
We recently painted our hallway a different color. My gf ended up getting the color sea moss. I didn’t know sea moss was a color. It’s basically a light light green. It looks like snot. It’s the kind of green that you puke if you eat too much spinach. I don’t mind it. We previously had yellow on the wall. The yellow was puke yellow. It was yellow like the yellow on your teeth if you drink too much coffee. I think all paint looks like puke if it’s green, yellow, or brown. They should rename those colors to puke paint.
costblow
One of my least favorite stores is Costco. No one needs to buy in bulk. You should only buy in bulk if you have 6 or more people in your family. There’s no room for bulk items in a regular sized house. Bulk items take up too much space. I would need a bulk freezer, bulk fridge, and a bulk pantry to fit my bulk food in it. More is not less in this case. I was at Costco and asked if they had any Non-Alcoholic beer in bulk. They didn’t. I realized who wants to binge drink NA. There is no point into buying NA in bulk. I wish I could go back in time and retract that question.
play grounded
I go to a lot of playgrounds because I have a 2 year old. I’ve been to a few playgrounds that have the American Sign Language alphabet posted on a sign. I think that’s a great idea but I don’t think 4 year olds are looking to learn ASL at the playground. I’ve never heard a kid say, “lets go to the playground so I can learn ASL. I want freshen up my letters.” Kids are going there to swing, run up slides, and act a fool. I’ve actually been trying to learn the ASL alphabet while my kids run around. It’s been refreshing. It’s been weeks and I only know how to sign up to the letter C. It’s taking awhile to learn.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I had a fight or flight experience. It was more flight than fight but nonetheless I showed some fight. I opened my front door to see who pounded on it. In the past I would’ve never done that. I would’ve just curled up in the fetal position. I wish CostCo sold guns because I would buy in bulk and scare off those prowlers. I guess I could’ve thrown my leftover paint at them. I could’ve scared them with my creepy bushy eyebrows. If there’s a next time I’m going to throw a big gigantic blow up doll at them and tell them to go away in ASL.