overheard in a conversation I was in
“you got no butt”- me to my brother for the last 20 years
my reaction: I’d like to make a formal apology to my brother. There’s no reason I have to comment on his butt size. Why should I care if his butt is flat or not? His butt size has no effect on me. Sibling rivalry? Jealous? Insecurity? All of the Above.
cutting board
I first noticed that my brother had no butt when I was in college. My brother is 3 years younger than me. Part of being an older brother is picking on your younger brother. But he was stronger and taller than me. How do you pick on someone stronger and taller than you? You can’t pick on someone that can beat you up. I wasn’t really picking on him, I was merely just stating the facts. I would simply say year after year “you go no butt” and then laugh. Everytime I would see him I would make a comment referencing his cutting board of a butt.
molehill
My brother has everything going for him. He is tall, handsome, and muscular. The only thing he was lacking was a butt. Imagine if he had a butt, he would be a 10. His butt was his only physical weakness. It was his kryptonite. I guess it wasn’t that bad but I think I made it worse than it seemed. It probably was an average size butt by industry standards. Back in the early 2000s he was in the best shape of his life. I don’t think his butt was all that bad. It was me making a mountain out of a molehill. I mean his butt now is probably bad. If anything, I should make fun of his butt now.
sara lee
My butt on the other hand was big back in the day. I had a ‘bread butt’. I used to eat a loaf of bread a week in my 20s. My butt was jam packed of gluten and preservatives. My butt was going nowhere fast. As long as I ate a loaf of Sara lee, I was good. I used to eat 3-4 slices per day. I was that guy who would eat all the free bread in the bread basket at a restaurant. I loved my bread. I was a gluten addict. I think because I had a bread butt I wanted my brother to have one too. I didn’t want him to feel left out.
breadsticks
Now, my butt is a sorry excuse for a butt. My butt is washed up. It looks like a dead jelly fish. I gave up gluten, bread, and diary for the most part. Now my butt looks malnourished. Save My Butt! It’s wrinkled like unfolded laundry. I have stretch marks that remind me of my days of sourdough and breadsticks. My butt looks like a breadstick that someone took a hammer to. All things go in a circle I guess. My butt used to be a circle. Now it’s a rectangle that’s falling apart at the bottom. They say, “what goes around comes around”. It couldn’t be truer. I now have my brother’s butt.
time
Presently, I have not made fun of my brother’s butt for the last 5 years. I’ve liked to think I’ve matured and I have. My brother’s butt has no bearing on my life anymore. I no longer make fun of his butt. I no longer make fun of him at all. There will be a time when I make fun of his butt. When will that be? I’m not sure. Time will tell. But I guess I’ve been indirectly making fun of in this post.
pulling back the curtains
No player in the NBA has worn 58. If I made the NBA I would wear 58.
doogie howser moment
The thing is we are going to get old and our butts are going to depreciate. What we all can learn is don’t make fun of others if their butt is less than yours. I’d like to say sorry to my bro. I hope he reads this and accepts my apology.