overheard in a conversation I was in
“I’m making the good stuff… maxwell… you can wait if you want some”- co worker offering me coffee in the break room
reaction: No thank you, I’m good. I don’t drink coffee but I’m pretty sure Maxwell is not the good stuff.
the hell with your one way
I went down the wrong way on a one way street while driving to my mom’s house. She lives 4 houses up the street, so going the wrong way shouldn’t be a big deal. There were no oncoming cars, bicyclists, or pedestrians. I was in the clear. I made it quickly up the street and parked in my mom’s driveway. No harm done, right? But as soon as I step out my vehicle, a neighbor walking by takes off her ear buds and says, “you know this is one way street” in a very snarky manner. I respond quite directly, “I know…. I live here”. She looks at me, says nothing, puts on her ear buds, and walks away. The thing is, I don’t live there per say, but that was my childhood home. I lived on that block longer than she has been working on her muffin top (many years). As soon as I know she far enough away I mutter under my breath “get a life”. Yes….I went the wrong way but who cares. No one was driving down the street. I didn’t hurt anyone. I assumed she was being a “Karen”. You know a cranky middle aged white woman who hates her life, but then again she could’ve been coming from a place of safety and concern. Why don’t you run for alderman or put on a safety vest on and become head of the neighborhood watch patrol? There are far more serious things going on in the world right now than someone driving the wrong way and there’s far more things I should not throw a fit about.
the real essential oil
Beard oil is a huge market. A lot of guys have beards. My friends have beards. I have a beard. My beard looks like someone pasted pubes on my face with a elmers glue stick. It kind of looks gross. That’s not the point. I feel like there’s a bigger market waiting to be untapped… “pube oil”. I feel like pube oil is way more necessary than beard oil. I know a lot of guys manscape but that takes time and effort. Why not just freshen up the ol man patch with some essential oils and coconut oil? Your girlfriend or boyfriend will thank you for that mist of earthy aroma seeping from your boxer briefs. You might even get head. I’m not sure why I am even making this statement because some one might steal my great idea. Go ahead and get rich off my pube oil invention. I don’t want my legacy to be pubes. I don’t want to be the guy known as the pube oil guy. I have bigger aspirations that I don’t know yet.
my birthday
It was my 38th birthday on June 11th. I’m a simple person, so I didn’t ask for much on my list. I like how I had a birthday list like I’m an 11 year old brat. Here are a few things I got: joggers, tye dye crocs, and 2 ply toilet paper. I guess it does sound like what an 11 year would get. Yes…my mother bought me a 6 pack of 2 ply… she knows my a$$ so well. My mom knows exactly what my @$$ needs and that was a soft wipe. I was so happy. Here is a little life hack for you if you got time on your hands. It’s simple. I combined the 2 ply she bought with the 1 ply had and made 3 ply. Mind blown or should I say a$$ blown because that’s what you could do with 3 ply. You can eat anything and not worry about the repercussions of a soiled booty hole. There’s nothing 3 ply can’t handle. It would make all the lactose intolerant people eat diary again. It would make vegans eat burgers. In conclusion, I want to be known as the 3 ply guy.
call me maybe
Somehow I got the phone number of the UPS driver that delivers in our neighborhood. The cool thing was that it only took me 2 days to pull. I’ve never encountered a UPS driver like him before. He wasn’t in a hurry and he smiled. It was the first time I’ve seen a UPS driver smile, especially during a pandemic. The first night we met, I just made small talk and laid the groundwork. I made a connection about how I used to work at UPS as a driver helper and talked about how he was busy. It’s almost as if we could’ve talked for hours. Then as fate would have it I saw him the next day while riding my bicycle. I stopped to say hi and we chatted about sports. Then as we were wrapping up he asked me for my number. I was glad he asked because I was a little nervous. I gave him my number. It might be the first time in UPS history that a guy has gotten another UPS driver’s number. I mean it’s super rare. I like to think I’m an elitist in that sense. To be continued….
6.4.04
Let’s celebrate! It’s the 16th anniversary of me losing my virginity. I’ve been 16 years sexually active. Well…16 years on and off…but mostly off. The day I became a man was 6.4.04. Never forget. I won’t go into the details of me losing it in a downtown alley or at least thinking it was a alley. Apparently, it turned out it was a church parking lot. I won’t talk about how I only knew her for a hour and didn’t know her name. I won’t go into detail about how I wore no protection and how it lasted as long a Snapchat video clip. I won’t go into detail about how it happened 7 days before I turned 22. Let’s just say I won’t go into detail. At the time I was a junior in college and I lived with my mom. A week after the “event” my mom came home from work and found me crying in my room. She asked, “what was wrong?” I said, “ I lost my virginity.” “Well did you care about her?” “No mom….she was a whore!” I remember being in fear after it happened because I thought I had AIDS. It was a legit concern. I’m not a hypochondriac, but I did think for a couple months I was HIV positive until I went to the free STD clinic and got cleared. I proudly posted my negative results on my mom’s refrigerator. You know how kids put up there test scores or art when their young, well I did that with my STD results. I didn’t became a man that day because I lost my virginity, I became a man because I showed vulnerability…humility… I’m human.
pulling back the curtains nick van excel
Nick Van Excel. What a cool name? I’m quite jealous. This guy had a long journey to the league . He went to junior college at Trinity Valley Community College for two years. Anyone who goes to a Junior College and make it to the NBA gets mad respect. He finished off his college basketball career at the University of Cincinnati where he lead his team to the Final Four before losing to Michigan’s “Fab Five” in 1991-92. He began his NBA career by being selected by the Los Angeles Lakers in the second round as the 37th overall pick of the 1993 NBA draft. Van Exel was known for his shooting streaks and speed, earning him the nickname “Nick the Quick”. He was named an All Star in 1998. He is currently an assistant with the Memphis Grizzlies. From Junior College to the League to Coach.
doogie howser moment
There is never one way to do things in life. Some people will call you out for going the wrong way but sometimes you got to go the wrong way to go the right way. My path has never been by the book. Why make beard oil when you can make pube oil? Why lose your virginity in a minivan after prom when you can in a church parking lot? Make a friend with the mailman, grocery clerk, or car mechanic, they are people too. Birthdays aren’t about gifts, it’s about what you don’t get that you realize what you don’t need, so if it’s not toilet paper you don’t need it.