something I’m too old to do but did anyways
I made a Christmas list
my reaction: Yes, I made a Christmas list. Not sure why? I’m 41 years old. My 6 year old son didn’t even make a Christmas list. I just want to make sure I get that train set I always wanted.
expired spice
Old Spice has got to be the worst name for a deodorant company. Old Spice? How are you going to have a scent called fresh when your name has old in it. I also don’t want spices in my deodorant. I want them on my food like chicken or steak not my armpit. I don’t want spicy armpits. I want spicy wings. I talk all this crap about Old Spice but the thing is I don’t even wear deodorant. I stand by my stance on Old Spice and don’t retract my statement about deodorant.
night light
I wake up every morning and immediately look forward to going to sleep later that night. The highlight of my day is not even during my day, it’s during the night. My highlight is going back to sleep. I’m not sure if that’s a highlight then. Sleeping shouldn’t be a highlight. You don’t even know you’re asleep when you’re asleep. The best part of sleeping is the second you fall asleep. Anyways, a highlight should be something that you do or happens to you when you’re awake. I guess I need to get my affairs in order.
key to life
I’ve been doing things lately that show I sub consciously don’t value my life. For example, I left my house keys in the front door of my house overnight. To my defense the door was still locked it just had my keys in it. Someone could’ve stole our entire house including me and my family. They could’ve stolen my car. They could’ve stolen our TV. They could’ve stolen our food but we eat organic and I don’t think thieves eat healthy. Theives don’t eat organic or adhere to a healthy diet but they should. Thieves should eat a well balanced diet to keep them up in the wee hours of night when they do thier crime. The Wet Bandits would’ve been way more effective if they were not all bogged down from eating empty calories and sugar.
the pumper
Last week I had to fill up my gas tank and a very suspicious character near the gas pump kept saying, “I pump gas…I pump gas…I pump gas..” in a soft yet melodic creepy tone. I declined the offer and said “no thanks”. I’m not sure if he wanted money in return or if he had a pump gas fetish. He could’ve just wanted to pump people’s gas or maybe he gets aroused pumping other people’s gas. In that case, I should’ve let him. It would’ve been a random act of kindness or better yet a random act of slimeness. What if I let him pump my gas? Best case scenario he would’ve pumped my gas and got a hard on. BP gas station now stands for Boner Pumper. Worst case scenario he would’ve sprayed the gas hose all over our car and burned it down. I’m glad I didn’t let him pump our gas.
i don’t know tour
I don’t like to go on tours of any sort. Tours make me feel dumb. You ever see a group of people on a tour of a brewery, city, or museum, they are walking aimlessly and don’t realize what’s going on. They are following the tour guide because they don’t know where to go. Just a mob of people who don’t know better. They are on a tour because they don’t know stuff and the only way to learn is to go on a tour. I don’t want to part of a group of people who don’t know what is going on. I want to look smart when I’m with people that’s why I’m not around people.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I need to be more aware but I think it’s the lack of sleep I’m getting. Obviously I need more sleep if I left my house keys in my front door overnight. Maybe I should go on a tour of a mattress factory. Honestly, all I want for Christmas is good sleep, but all I hear is the creepy man who needed a couple swipes of Old Spice say, “ I pump gas… I pump gas..”.