how I know I’m doing okay in life
My son eats avocado toast.
my reaction: If you are able to buy avocados you’re doing okay in life. Avocados are expensive.
lay on me
One way I relieve stress is by having my gf lay on me. I will tell her to just put pressure on me. I call it the panini. I want her to panini me. I want her to squeeze the stress out of me. It’s like when you press down on a George Forman grill when making a burger patty. It’s like I’m a lemon and she is squeezing all the lemon juice out of me. This is not sexual. We’re not dry humping. It’s just lying on top of each other. It’s purely a stress release activity. When I’m feeling stressed I tell my gf to put me on the panini press and make it hot.
heat is on
I don’t understand why people feel the need to heat up their car when they are going short distances. People will heat up their car before they go places but you don’t heat up yourself before you go in the cold. You don’t stand by a heater. You don’t take a hot shower. You don’t chug hot chocolate. You just go out and withstand the cold for 30 seconds. My stepdaughter has a 5 minute commute to school yet she heats up the car like she lives in the Arctic Circle. She owns a winter jacket. I think she will be warm enough for the 5 minute ride.
991
My son thinks the number to 911 is 991. He will be playing a game and say, “there’s an emergency someone call 991!”. I corrected him saying, “it’s 911” but then I realized they should change the number. If he is ever in an emergency and calls 991 it should just redirect to 911. The phone operating system should just relay that call to 911. Honestly, any three digit number should be 911. 911 should be 123 or 111. Why do you have to press 9 then hop all over to the 1? In a emergency that’s a matter of seconds that have been lost.
fess up
One evening I was passing a church that was advertising it’s confession times. I thought ‘hmmm.. I can get free therapy?’. I’m going to find out all the confession times all across the city and go to them. Think about the savings. I could save hundreds of dollars. I would confess to all the fathers in the city. I would finally have a father that would listen to me. I need to get in on these confessions. I would become a member of every church in my city. I would go so much that they would ban me from all confessions. I would have to start paying.
thigh meat
As I get older my body is starting to crumble. My hair is getting gray, my eyes are starting to wrinkle, and my butt is getting more stretch marks as we speak. I just have to accept that certain parts are just going to fall apart. So I’ve decided to focus on my last good body part and make sure it’s still strong. My thighs are the last good thing on me. I’m down to my last good body part. I have stretch marks on my hips but not my thighs. I have wrinkles in my eyes but not my thighs. I got smelly feet but I don’t got smelly thighs. Thighs don’t go bad. Thighs can be meaty and fat and still look good. Thigh meat ages gracefully. Thank you thigh meat.
doogie howser moment
I need to get to confession soon. I want to tell my father that I’m grateful for my thigh meat. My thigh meat would make a great meal for a cannibal. I also want to thank God for blessing me with being privileged enough to eat avocados. Avocados are awesome. I hope I’m never in a situation where my son has to call 911 or else I’m in trouble. In conclusion, you don’t have to heat up your car if your partner lays on you like a panini press.