a sign that still exists at some stores
no shoes. no shirt. no service.
my reaction: If you see this sign at a store you know you’re in a neighborhood full of junkies. I don’t think a crackhead really cares about this sign anyways. But what if Michael Phelps just walks in from a swim meet and he wants to buy a lot of stuff, are you going to say no? You’re not going to deny the greatest Olympian of our time a slushie because he’s in swimsuit and no shoes.
rubber band drought
I was at the library with my kids and I asked the librarian if they had a rubber band. It was a simple request. I was going to use it for my daughter’s hair. The librarian told me that he didn’t have a surplus of rubber bands to give out. He seemed annoyed that I asked him for a rubber band. I walked away from his desk dejected. A few moments later he tracked me down and gave me a rubber band. He stated that he did in fact have a surplus of rubber bands. I was relieved. I could put my daughter’s hair in a bun. I’ve never known for a library to be low on rubber bands. I’ve never known any company to be low on rubber bands. I’m glad the librarian was able to be there for the community and give one rubber band away.
llc
I feel like every blog I make fun of my teen stepdaughters and this one is no exception. If you have teenagers that live with you then you are running your own Teen Assisted Living LLC. They get their own room, food, laundry services, and activities to participate if they chose. No one expects much out of them. They lie around on a screen all day. They complain when they have to exert energy. Honestly, I think old people at real assisted living centers do more. I think they are more active and engaged in the community than teens. They wake up a lot earlier. They eat healthier. They play bingo. They definitely socialize more as well. I want to close my Teen Assisted Living Center.
don’t play around
I don’t like when I’m at the playground and other kids try to play with me like I’m their father. Go away. Stop using me. This 11-year-old kid kept asking me to watch him play at the playground. I’m like dude go away. Stop trying to hang out with me. I’m trying to be a good dad. I asked him who he was with and he stated he was with his mentor. I asked him where his mentor was and he said she is in her car. Oh.. wow… good mentor. It looks like you need a new mentor. I was his mentor for those 15 minutes while his real mentor was hanging out in her car. His mentor needs a mentor.
nipple nightmare
I often ride my bike along the parkway to get fresh air. It’s a good way to get outside and just be. As I was riding my bicycle I passed an old lady with the hugest nips. I’ve never seen a grandma with bullet like nips. They were piercing through her white shirt like they wanted to to escape her body. They looked like little missiles. Is she ready to go to war? It’s a scene I want to unsee. Those nips are forever engrained in my head. They looked like weapons of mass destruction. Next time tape them down with some duct tape. I have nipple nightmares now.
passin me by
I often drive slow when I have my kids in my car. I don’t want anything to happen. I want to ensure I’m driving in a safe manner. I don’t want to be reckless. Some people who get stuck behind me often don’t like how I drive. Usually people will beep at me, roll their eyes, or speed off to make their point when they go around me, but this time a guy did something I’ve never seen before. This guy sped around me and did the jerk off thing with his hand and blew it up. I’ve never seen that used in this context. I assume he was mad I was driving too slow or did he want to jerk me off? Anyways, I let him pass me and then after a few blocks of driving I got mad and then sped up to him so I could give him the finger. I won.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I see a lot of stuff throughout the week and then I come here and report about it. I see deadbeat mentors at the park. I witness people give me the jerk off sign while driving. I see old hard grandma nips that haunt me to this day. I should just stay in the house and run my Teen Assisted Living business. That would be too boring. I’d miss out on all those things. I’d rather go out with no shoes, no shirt, and hopefully get no (cell) service.