something a homeless guy told me
you must be homeless
my reaction: There is a small green space that’s frequented by homeless people. This is where I eat lunch. A guy walked past me saying, “are you okay?”. I said, “yes, just eating lunch”. And then he replied, “oh you must be homeless”. That’s when I realized I needed to shave.
hot meat
My gf told me the meat clerk at Whole Foods told her she was beautiful. Instead of agreeing with the meat clerk I tried to discredit him. He works par time. He butchers pork. What does he know. I should’ve just said I agree but I didn’t. Who is this guy saying she is beautiful? What does this guy look like? Is he hot? I usually don’t see hot meat clerks. I think I was jealous of her attention. I wanted the attention. The bakery girl has never said, “here’s your sourdough sexy”. I usually just get a standard fake smile.
foul play
The older I get the more my own mortality sinks in. I’ve been thinking about what to write in my obituary. Obituaries are written by loved ones. I want to write my own obituary. I want the last sentence written to say, “Curt wants everyone to know that there was no foul play involved”. I want everyone to know that there was no foul play. I feel like if you knew me in my 20s you would ask, “was there any foul play involved?”. Usually, ‘foul play’ is used for celebrities. Anytime a celebrity dies the media asks, ‘was there foul play involved?”.
garbage man
I was the first one to put my garbage can out before garbage collection day. I put it out the day before anyone else on my block. I was first! I’m usually not first for things so it felt great. I was a leader for once. I felt accomplished. I’m usually in the top 10 on my block of putting out my garbage can out but never first. There’s always some other bored guy who has nothing to do who beats me. Sorry. Not this time. I’m the winner. Eat my dust neighbors.
croc fight
I threw a kid’s croc at my gf during a tiff. It ended up hitting her. I didn’t mean to hit her. I just threw it aimlessly. I’m glad I wasn’t holding a boot, a butter knife, or hammer. That would’ve hurt. I’m glad it was a kid’s croc. It was a light underhand throw. I don’t think I can go to jail for domestic abuse for throwing a croc at my partner. It’s a croc. It’s rubber. The judge would throw out the case. He would’ve thought it was cute.
pay it backwards
I paid it forward last week by buying a box of girl scout cookies. I gave the Girl Scouts $6 and said, “I”m paying it forward”. I don’t think they knew what that meant because I didn’t see them give away a free box of cookies. I think they kept that box for themselves. That’s the last time I try to pay something forward. These girl scouts are hustlers. They are conniving backstabbing b words. I should’ve just taken the box of thin mints and emptied them out in the garbage in front of them. I will no longer support the scouts.
doogie howser moment
In summary, I think I’m jealous of my gf because someone told her she was beautiful, and someone told me I looked homeless. It made me reevaluate my life. Would a homeless guy buy a box of Girl Scout cookies for someone else? No, but I do think the Girl Scouts are guilty of foul play. No foul play for me. I’m out here taking out the garbage first in my neighborhood. I’m trying to be better. In conclusion, I threw a croc at my gf so I might be homeless soon.