overheard in a conversation I was in 15 years ago
“you don’t promise ice cream and take it back”- my brother to me after I promised ice cream and then taking it back after realizing Diary Queen was open
My reaction: Late night while stumbling in the midst of downtown Chicago lateI saw a Diary Queen in the distance, obviously thinking it wasn’t open. So… I promised ice cream (knowingly that it would be closed) thus looking like the good guy for attempting a nice gesture. It would be a win win but it backfired. I should’ve never promised ice cream in the first place. More importantly why is a Diary Queen open at 2am? What person is getting a Dilly Bar at bar time? I guess a lot of people. It was open and I took it back explaining to my brothers that I didn’t think it was going to be open. So my brother did what any ice cream lover would do by slamming me againist the wall stating, ‘you don’t promise ice cream and take it back”. I learned a valuable lesson that night. Never promise ice cream. Keep your mouth shut.
the key is a key
I saw a customer entering Family Dollar utilizing a key to pry open the door because he didn’t want to touch the handle. Your shopping at family dollar do you really care about your quality of life? I can’t judge, I have plenty of ‘Covid door opening tricks’ like using my elbow, my sleeve, and just outright kicking the door open. He did a good job not touching the handle but then someone came through so he ended up holding the door handle anyway. I’m not sure if that door handle had Covid or not, but that guy gets an A for effort for stopping the spread.
home alone not with Kevin McCallister
My girlfriend went out of town to a Lake resort in Wisconsin for a night. I don’t mind her leaving. She deserves some rest and relaxation. The only thing I mind is being home alone at night. I never lived alone. I’ve always had roommates. I have a legit fear of being alone at night. As soon as night hits fear kicks in. Even though my son was sleeping in the other room I was still frightened. It was windy that night, so I heard the branches hit the house and blinds rattling. I ended up closing all the windows and turning on the A/C because I didn’t want to hear any extra noises. It didn’t help that we got a new refrigerator which made a lot of peculiar noises. It almost sounded like a small child was trapped inside saying, ‘Help me….set me free…I’m in the crisper’. Great… my refrigerator is haunted. So much for the baby carrots I was going to eat. I had a hard time sleeping because I thought some ghost was going to put me in a chokehold like John Cena. I thought it was the end. I prayed my son would wake up in the middle of the night to sleep in my bed and keep me safe. He didn’t. I had to do it all alone.
unfresh dogs
While driving home one day I saw a guy selling hot dogs on the side of the street. I love a good hot dog. The only thing I had a problem was that he had a sign that said “Fresh Hot Dogs”. There is no such thing as a fresh hot dog. I’m not sure what that means. The audacity of calling a hot dog fresh really grinds my gears to the 10th power. Fresh f*cking hot dogs!!!! It’s made from parts unknown. Was this guy fresh rolling hot dogs from pig parts and cow beef? I don’t think so.
middle school lawyer
Somehow my 7th grade step daughter, girlfriend, and I got on the subject of abortion. My step daughter claimed she was Pro Life but also Pro Choice. She was very adamant saying, “It’s no accident that people have sex… you don’t accidently have sex… you have sex to have a baby”. It is a very legit point. I’ve never accidentally had sex with someone. Though people have had sex accidentally with me. It was hard to tell her that people do it for entertainment purposes as well. You can’t tell her, “no your wrong… people have sex because it feels good”. You don’t want to encourage that. She’s too young. After she was talking about abortion she exclaimed “I should be a lawyer”. Even though none of her comments jived or made sense. She is like “I should be a lawyer”. Just because you got mad about something and said it a forceful way doesn’t mean you should be a lawyer. Let’s pass the 7th grade first before we become a lawyer.
in your dreams
My gf had a dream about me saying I cheated on her. It must’ve been real bad because she looked at me differently that morning. I think she really believed I did it. Sorry but I have zero control over your dreams. So I ended up having fun with it. I told her “yep I’m a player in the dream world… I get all the ladies in your dreams”. I probably shouldn’t have said that. I probably should’ve said, “don’t worry baby I would never do that to you in your dreams”. But I took the wrong route. I love taking the wrong route. It’s risqué but fun taking the wrong route. Take the wrong route.
pulling back the curtains on Paul
Paul Pressey was drafted in the 1st round by the Milwaukee Bucks with the 20th overall pick in 1982. He played the position of small forward. I’m not sure why they call it a small forward when all the players who play that position are pretty tall. He had career averages of 10 ppg, 3.9 rebs, and 5 assists per game. He was a 2x NBA All-Defensive First Team in 1985-1986. He also participated in the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk Contest finishing 6th out of 8. He either he was the 6th best dunker or the 3rd worst dunker in the competition.
doogie howser moment
Hot dogs can be fresh if you buy them from the factory they were just made at. Don’t let dreams ruin your life. Sometimes the key to something is an actual key. Never promise ice cream…Never…Unless you plan on buying a scoop.