overheard in a conversation I was in
“it smells like smoke in here”- my step daughter to me and her mom while we were in the kitchen after I just gone smoking CBD in the bathroom
My reaction: When brought up with this statement her mom said, “ask curt”. I immediately responded “its incense”. You know that new incense that smells like weed. But c’mon… I wasn’t smoking cigarettes or pot, it was CBD. I like to smoke it because it’s cheaper than gummies and oil. But I still would feel weird smoking in front of the kids so I don’t. I don’t think that’s being a positive role model. That’s why I secretly do it in my bathroom and saying I’m burning ‘incense’.
tummy slaps
One morning while still in bed I slapped my girlfriends stomach saying, “I like your tummy”. Not sure why I do the things I do. It must be instinct but not a good instinct. Not a survival instinct. A bad instinct. There is something in my head that says I need to make the wrong decision and keep doing it. I have no rhyme or reason to it. I guess that’s what makes me… me. A tummy slap. These actions separate me from the others.
smart job
Smart phones do everything. It has a camera, microphone, and GPS. It even causes depression. But even more concerning it’s a little Big Brother in your pocket. You notice how after you look at something like a rug, ads and emails will pop about rugs. Not only that but supposedly it can hear what you say through the microphone. If you talk about something repeatedly the microphone will pick that up and send you an ad geared to what you said. So before my gf woke one morning, I went to her phone that was charging and kept saying “boob job.. boob job… boob job… boob job… gimmie a boob job”. Then, I went on to say, “take that Google… come and get me Mark Zuckerburg”. Not sure why I said the last part but it just sounded right. As of now she has yet to get a boob job. Google you have failed me.
pulse check
I always find new ways to annoy my gf….you know the mother of my child, the head of the household, the matriarch. My newest trick involves taking my 2 fingers, putting it on her neck, and saying, “I’m taking your pulse…I’m just seeing if your still alive”. She immediately gets annoyed. I guess I shouldn’t aggressively jam my cold fingers into her neck but that’s part of the gag. I’m honestly doing it out of love annoyance. It’s annoying affection.
ban man is back
I’m usually spent at the end of the day. You can usually put a fork in me after 8pm because I’m done. I feel like I am extra irritable. Who isn’t though? All my days feel long at this point. One night my step daughter was eating frozen raspberries out of a small bowl. That was her ‘desert’ for the night. A new habit for the kids is to eat a snack before bed. It makes no sense. It infuriates me. It shouldn’t but it does. Frozen fruit doesn’t come cheap. Why am I complaining? I don’t pay for it. My other half does. The part that makes me mad is the clanking of the spoon to the bowl. Every time that spoon hits the bowl “clank”. With each bite comes a clank that pierces my ear drum. Clank! Clank! Clank! Just even writing about the clank makes me stressed. There’s got to be a better way to avoid the “clank”. A wooden spoon, plastic, or maybe just banning all food after 8. I already did a chip ban. The “Ban Man” is back. Frozen fruit your next (I like how I’m banning something healthy).
street salad
You guys notice how restaurants are putting outdoor seating on the actual road now. Yep… that’s safe. There’s nothing safer than dining on the street where cars whizz by at 30 mph only 5 feet away. Also, all the fumes from the tailpipe that have been linked to climate change, asthma, and lung cancer. What’s the point of eating healthy when your inhaling fumes from a Ford F-150? Nothing like a dust of smog on your Caesar salad. I never ate on the street while a city bus passes by just a few feet away. I’m not into that kind of daredevil eating where my life should be at risk from eating Mozzie Sticks.
Pulling back the curtains on James Robinson
James Robinson was selected with the 21st overall pick in the 1993 NBA draft by the Portland Trail Blazers. I actually never heard of him. Probably the most least popular Robinsons of the NBA. I mean there was Glen…Nate….Clifford. He did compete in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest where he finished in last place (6th). He also was one of three Robinsons that the Portland Trail Blazers had on its roster in the 1995–96 NBA season, the others being Clifford Robinson and Rumeal Robinson. I mean 20% of your team was named Robinson.
doogie howser moment
Don’t slap your partner’s tummy, instead take their pulse. Get your food curbside… don’t eat it curb side. If people in your family annoy you ban food after 8 pm or ban the thing they love. And one last thing…..”boob job boob job boob job”.