something my mom said when I used to ask her ‘what’s for dinner’

poop on toast

my reaction: Every night when I was younger I’d ask my mom ‘what’s for dinner?’ and every night she would reply ‘poop on toast’. Her reply was always ‘poop on toast’. It was never just poop. It was never just toast. It was always ‘poop on toast’. Not poop on a bagel, croissant, or English muffin. She actually never fed us that. We always got a good home cooked meal.

shopamine

I like to go shopping now. I didn’t realize the endorphins that exploded when I shopped. I bought a $10 irregular shirt from TJ Maxx. It doesn’t fit right and one sleeve is longer than the other but it still gave me that dopamine hit I couldn’t ignore. I’m going to start shopping every week at TJ Maxx, Ross, or Burlington. I’m trying to get a deal on my dopamine. I’m not trying to spend hundreds of dollars on dopamine. I need to get that dopamine on discount.

argue ball

I’ve been playing pick up basketball at the YMCA once a week. I’ve been going consistently for three weeks. I’ve noticed there has been a lot of arguments over fouls. They could argue over a burnt piece of poop on toast. Everyone has their own account of what happened. There is a lot of yelling. These guys should run for political office. They are so adamant in what they think happened. I don’t get involved in any of the arguments. I’m not one of the better players. I don’t have any ground to stand on. I’m not going to argue about a call. I’d probably not get invited back. Some one could slap the mess out of me and I’d say it was clean.

craig cut

My gf wants me to get a vasectomy. I don’t want to get a vasectomy because I don’t want the medical staff to laugh at my bush. I heard they have to shave it. I don’t want to be the laughing stock of the hospital. I would only want a all guy crew of nurses. I wouldn’t want any female nurses. My gf stated that all the guys she knows have vasectomies. That’s a odd fact to know about all the guys she knows. All the guys she knows have vasectomies. Every guy she knows apparently. I told her if she wants me to have a vasectomy she has to pay for it or at least go half on it. Unless there is a guy doing craigslist vasectomies. I would do a craigslist vasectomy to save me from the embarrassment of laughing nurses.

e old people

I’ve been riding my bicycle to work recently. I’ve noticed everyone riding by me has an E Bike. Everyone who rides a E Bike doesn’t need one. They should be on real bike. A bike that pedals. Ya’ll need a bike that will help you lose weight not gain weight. The E Bike does all the work. Everyone is flying around on E Scooters, Mopeds, and E Bikes. All these old people are flying by at speeds they shouldn’t be. A guy in his 80s shouldn’t be blazing by me at 30 mph. I’m just a chump on his bicycle pedaling like someone from the 1990s.

ref junkie

During my son’s last soccer game I was coaching the teenage referee kept asking me (because I’m the assistant coach) where his money was. The home team is in charge of bringing a check to pay the referees so it was our team’s turn. The kid asked me before the game and during halftime of the game. I’m not sure why this kid thought we were going to screw him over. He just wanted his money. This kid had dyed blonde hair and had ear buds in his ear the entire time he refereed. Was this guy a junkie? Was he looking for his next fix and needed the money that bad? Was his drug dealer on the way? Did he have a gambling addiction and needed to pay off his debts to his bookie? This kid was refereeing to pay off his debts. I guess that’s one way of paying off your drug dealer and bookie, referee a kid’s soccer game.

doogie howser moment

In conclusion, time will tell if I get a vasectomy. But first I need to save money by biking to work and shopping at TJ Maxx so I can afford a vasectomy. In summary, to save even more money, maybe I’ll referee a men’s pick up basketball at the YMCA and start eating poop on toast.