overheard in a conversation I was in
“I woke up with balls”- stepdaughter to me one weekday morning
my reaction: What do you mean you woke up with balls? Did you wake up with different kinds of sport balls like basketball balls…tennis balls…soccer balls? “Nooo….they were real balls”. My follow up question, “well…how big were they?” She said, “they were huge droopy balls… mom had them too”. I always knew your mom had balls but that was figuratively.
pillow talk
A guy was measuring pillows at Goodwill. He actually brought a tape measure into the store and was measuring the dimensions of a couch pillow. He also was talking to an employee about this pillow he was potentially buying. I’m not sure what the store associate was going to do. But I could tell you one thing, she could give a sh*t about your pillow. Your not at Bed Bath and Beyond, your at a glorified rummage sale. That’s why I love to shop so I can see stuff like that. You will never see that while online shopping. Imagine if you could though? Just watching people browse Amazon from their computers. It wouldn’t be that interesting unless there buying sex toys. Who measures pillows? How big is your head that you have to measure a pillow? Getting a pillow for a big headed baby? I love Goodwill but I’m not buying a pillow full of human hair, sweat, and oil.
cali flower
You ever go to the natural foods store to grab a head of cauliflower and there all out. Well…. that happened to me. Who even likes cauliflower that much? Nobody should. But I should expect that something healthy from a natural food store would be sold out. I even asked the produce clerk, “do you have any Cali flower?” “Huh”, she responds. I repeat confidently, “Cali…flower…”. “Oh…you mean cauliflower? No…our shipment hasn’t come in yet.” I felt like such a food nerd. Most people request products like beer, meat, desert…. I was looking for a vegetable.
don’t toy with my gun
My son plays with a toy gun. It’s a nerf gun but still not a big fan. I like to think Nerf guns are gateways to real guns. However you ask the NRA and they would disagree. The NRA probably owns Nerf to get kids hooked on guns. That’s how America works right? Get children hooked at a young age. But as parents we try to be responsible toy gun owners. We’re not people who are going to say “your violating my constitutional rights”. We tell him not to point at people’s faces, just the ground…bushes…the couch. We really take the fun out of it. I obviously don’t think they should make toy guns at all. You don’t see Matel making toy beer bottles, Bloody Mary kits or toy opiates. Yet they make toy weapons.
throwing salt in the wound
I was at Culver’s picking up food for the kids. I don’t eat there. I eat cauliflower remember? I was amazed to see how many people ask for salt with their meals. Don’t you think there’s enough salt on your processessed sodium infected fries? Whatever. I shouldn’t care that much but I do. While there I overheard another customer ordering which is always entertaining. This guy was a real gem. He ordered a bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon, no tomatoes no onions which he repeated multiple times, and then had the audacity to state he wanted his burger well done. That’s when I lost it. I don’t care about the other demands you made to your $5 burger but “well done”. Customers are trying to turn Culver’s into fine dining. You don’t get the privilege of saying “well done” at a fast food restaurant. Aren’t they all well done? Well… that makes me done.
piles on piles
My son and I picked up poop in my mom’s backyard. Not my mom’s poop. She doesn’t poop in the backyard. At least I don’t think so. It was her dog’s poop. We picked up at least 10 loads of poop. It took about 15 minutes to pick up. When I told my son we were done he said, “please… more poop”. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone say, “please… more poop” like it was someone wanting more poop at the dinner table. So, we kept searching the yard for more poop. I luckily found 2 more piles of dog sh*t to appease him. He was happy. I was happy. We all were happy picking up piles of dog turd.
Pulling back the curtains
Andrew Lang was selected by the Phoenix Suns with 28th overall pick in the 1988 draft. He was an NBA journeyman playing for Atlanta Hawks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Milwaukee Bucks, Chicago Bulls, and New York Knicks. He finished his career averaging 6 points, 4.8 rebounds, and 1.5 blocked shots per game. He earned a reputation as being a great shot blocker. Probably a good c*ck blocker too. I’m not sure about that but citation is needed. Lang is the 55th all-time leading shot blocker in NBA history. I don’t know if you should be on an all time blocks list if you’re not in the top 50. He wore the number 28 more than any other player in the NBA.
doogie howser moment
Don’t salt salted fries. Instead buy cauliflower and salt that, it needs it. The only way you’ll take my toy gun is if you pry it from my dead cold hands. Nah..not really you could just take it from my live cold hands. If you want to spend quality time with your kid pick up poop with them. And stop pestering employees at goodwill, they don’t care about the pillow your buying.