#36 like Etan Thomas

overheard in a conversation I was in

“my doctor told me to wash my face to avoid covid”- co worker

my reaction: I don’t know if this is legit doctor advice or not? Am I supposed to wash my face every hour for 20 seconds? Who needs a vaccine when you can just rub some Irish Spring on your face? It sounds silly to me. I could see my co worker saying, “excuse me Curt… you got a little piece of Covid on your face… you might want to wipe that off” as if it’s a piece of food. Get that smudge of Covid off you,

beet it

If you eat beets, don’t forget you ate beets. Don’t ever forget you ate beets the day prior. Beets will turn your sh*t into a purple massacre. It will look like Barney had diarehhea. I forgot that I ate beets the previous day and my sh*t looked like I had 5 abortions in a row. I was nervous. I was scared. What have I done? Am I dying? It took me awhile to realize that I had beets the day before. If you want to go on adventure and have a near death experience I suggest you eat a beet and forget about it. You will diagnose yourself with butt cancer. You will call your butt doctor to get a colonoscopy. You will think your dying. Then after that…when you calm down…you will then realize you just ate a beet.

no mask no problem

I went to a plumbing store because I needed a plumbing part. My toilet has been running on and off so I thought I would take it upon myself to fix it. As I walked in I noticed that the customer and the person working there weren’t wearing masks. I thought this was odd because we are in a middle of a pandemic. When it was my turn, the guy working there looked at me like I was in the wrong for wearing a mask. I think he ‘fake helped’ me and said he couldn’t ’find the part’ I was looking for.

the fake

I went Christmas shopping at a local goods store. I like supporting local during the holidays. I’ve supported Amazon enough. I don’t need to make Jeff Bezos richer. Upon entering the store, it had Covid guideline protocols. One of the guidelines stated that all customers need to apply hand sanitizer when entering. I hate hand sanitizer. I despise it. I feel grossed out by it even though it makes me cleaner. So…I fake used the hand sanitizer like I was applying it in between my hands. I did the hand motions and all. But I was busted. The clerk must’ve saw me in the corner of her eye because she said, “please utilize the hand sanitizer”. She caught me fake using the hand sanitizer. A part of me was embarrassed and wanted to leave but I held my ground, I needed a gift. I took it personal which I shouldn’t have but that’s on me. Instead, I passive aggressively made a small purchase instead of a big one. I didn’t want them to win. Now, the one who is going to hurt is my innocent gf who I bought the gift for. Thanks a lot store clerks you just lost a big purchase because you wanted me to use hand sanitizer, now my gf won’t get the Christmas she deserves.

im just a girl

I grew up listening to a lot of female rock artists. I feel like I’m a female sometimes. I tell my gf I’m the ‘cliche girl’ in our relationship. I’m needy, starved for attention, and instigate arguments out of nothing. All I’m saying is I’m Taylor Swift. If you don’t like T. Swift you probably don’t like yourself. I once made a mixtape of girl rock when I was in college. It had songs from Kelly Clarkson to Jewel to Avril Lavigne to Ashlee Simpson to Gwen Stefani. I mean “I’m just a girl” by No Doubt spoke to me. Ashlee Simpson’s “Pieces of Me” another classic. All time favorite is Natalie Ambrigulia’s “Torn”. If you don’t go through a break up listening to that song your not going to make it out alive. Sure, I listened to Britney Spears and Christian Aguilera but I preferred female artists who were more sad and less pop. That’s truth right there.

remember when we did protein

One night about 13 years ago after binge drinking we went to my friend’s house to continue to party. We were in our 20s so we could stay up late without repercussion. We didn’t want the night to end so we continued to party til 4am. We didn’t eat frozen pizzas or drink more, instead we did protein. We didn’t make milkshakes, we snorted it. We dumped out a tub of protein powder and started to make lines. My friend dumped his head in a mound of powder saying, “that’s the stuff”. I kept saying, “that’s a great 8 ball”. We did line after line after line until our faces were covered in powder. We were acting like hypes. We called it “blow-tein”. I never felt stronger that night. I woke up with the worst headache and my nose full of powder. My nose hurt for days after that. That was the first and last time I snorted protein.

pulling back the curtains

Etan Thomas was picked by the Dallas Mavericks with 12^th pick of the 2000 draft. He played for the Wizards, Thunder, and Hawks. During a routine physical examination in 2007, doctors discovered that he had a leaking aortic valve. Thomas successfully underwent open heart surgery. He returned to play for the Wizards on October 29, 2008, a full year after his surgery. In his first game back, he had 10 points and eight rebounds. He is also a published poet, freelance writer, activist, and motivational speaker.

doogie howser moment

If you want to avoid Covid-19 wash your face. If you want to avoid a messy toilet avoid beets. In this time, you’ll go to businesses who don’t wear masks and other businesses will make you put on hand sanitizer. I was actually more mad of the place that made me use the mandatory hand sanitizer than the store who didn’t wear masks. I don’t know. It angered me. It gave me angst. I felt like going home so I could put on Alanis Morissette, snort protein powder, and cry.