overheard in a conversation i was not in
“I got a date….AND I’m pregnant“- co worker on the phone to whom I presume is now her ex
my reaction: Well, it sounds like it was not going to work out with her ex. I overheard her talking on the phone in the parking lot at work. She was not being discreet but rather loud about it. Anyone in the parking lot would’ve heard her as she yelled “I got a date and I’m pregnant” into the phone. I’m not sure who wins in this scenario. The ex or her? On one hand she does have a date while being pregnant. That’s pretty baller. On the other hand that date might not turn into some serious. All I know now is that she moved to Arizona. I guess Arizona is the silver lining.
cleanliness is godliness
While on the toilet at work the custodian came in to clean the bathroom I was utilizing. Usually, the janitor will knock on the door and say “custodial” but not this time. This was a sub janitor so he played by his own rules. He continued to clean as if I were not in the stall. He ended up spraying down the bathroom with what smelled like febreeze. This guy wasn’t going to scrub the toilets. He has been in the cleaning game for awhile. He’s the type of guy that will do enough to look like he cleaned it. I think his motto was “if it smells clean… it is clean”. He got near my stall that I was in and ended up spraying me with the sanitizing bottle. I could feel the sanitizer mist hit my head while sitting on the toilet. I contemplated on whether if I should say something. I didn’t. I took the mist of spray like a champ. It coated my head like morning dew on freshly cut grass. I waited to leave because I didn’t want him to know I was in there. I’m not sure if he sprayed me on purpose or accident. I hold no grudge against the guy. He is full of charm and charisma. I’ve talked to him many a time. Honestly, it felt like he was a priest blessing me with holy water, but instead of holy water, it was a janitor spraying me with sanitizer.
double knees
I told my gf that she has “knee titties”. She is like, “what’s that?’ “I don’t know? I just made it up.” She has a extra bump on her knee so it looks like she got titties on her knees. So as the remedial guy I am, I said she has ‘knee titties”. And let me tell you what… she has the best knee titties in the city. Bar none. I will go to war for those knee titties. You can’t find knee tits like her. They at least got to be Double D Knees.
home alone
My family went to Wyoming for a week. I didn’t go because my work says I have to quarantine for 2 weeks if I get on a plane. Weird rule. They can go and I can’t. That makes a lot of sense. I don’t like being alone. I actually get scared to be at the house alone at night. Everyone I tell this to laughs at me. It’s a legit fear. I think someone is going to murder me. I shouldn’t have a reason why someone would murder me. I haven’t done many people wrong. I also think a ghost is going to haunt me. My friend said, “why don’t you buy a gun”. My response “Well how am I supposed to shoot a ghost?” If anything I need what the GhostBusters have and get a proton pack. Being alone sucks. I don’t know how people do it. I guess I’d rather have a house full of people annoy me than have my space. With that being said out of the 5 days they were gone I slept at my mom’s house every day but one.
merry jane
My brother in law gets high everyday. I saw him during Christmas at his mom’s house. He was of course getting high on the birth of Christ. He would periodically leave the house to smoke in the driveway so the kids wouldn’t see him. That’s nice of him. Thoughtful I think. I like to move around so I went outside to empty some garbage just because I like to stay busy. As I put down the garbage lid I hear glass break. I look down and it’s a glass pipe full of pot. I’m like “oh crap”. I go in and tell him that the pipe broke. He said, “yea I put it on the garbage lid because I thought no one would go over there”. I think that’s the last place you should put a weed pipe. It’s Christmas. There is a lot of garbage on Christmas. I think the best place for your weed pipe is your car. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to rationalize the thoughts of a man who was high. Him being high when I told him his pipe broke saved the day for me. He is a quick tempered man but that pot saved the day. Pot was the reason that got me in this jam and the reason that got me out. Thank god for pot.
non-non alcohol
My New Years resolution is giving up non alcoholic beer. I’m done with NA. I had 5 NAs on on New Years Eve. After a few I was like “what’s the point?”. It’s not like I’m going to get a buzz. I woke up the next day with a “NA hangover”. I even said the most classic thing after a night of debauchery “I’m never drinking again”. I didn’t know na hangovers existed. I don’t know where to go from here. I gave up alcohol. I’m giving up non alcoholic beer. What’s next? Tea. Inadvertently I’m trying to become the lamest person I know.
pulling back the curtains
Kwame Brown was the first overall pick in the 2001 NBA draft by the Washington Wizards, and was the first number one draft pick to be selected straight out of high school. He made history. He actually only wore the number 38 for 2 years. Only player in NBA to wear the #38 in the playoffs. NBA analysts consider him to be one of the biggest busts ever but I disagree. He made it to the NBA out of high school. That’s hard to do. I didn’t make the NBA let alone my high school freshman basketball team. I should’ve been considered the biggest bust coming out of middle school.
doogie howser moment
Happy new year right? They told me that last year and look what happened. Maybe we should say “Miserable New Year”. Set the bar low. No jinx involved. No expectations. Can 2021 be worse than 2020? Sure it can always be worse. Getting sprayed by bathroom cleaner, breaking a pipe, and drinking Non Alcoholic beer is not that bad. But if your pregnant girlfriend has got a date with another man then maybe it was a bad year.