overheard in a conversation I was in
“were going to IKEA” – my gf
my reaction: Oh no.
the beginning
IKEA? I don’t even know what that means. I don’t think people at IKEA knows what that means. I think it’s an acorynom for I Knowingly Eat A$$ because that’s what you do when you go there. You consume a lot of sh*t. It’s a long journey of finding your way around in this factory of crap. You never know where your going or how long it’s going to take. Then when your done, you wipe yourself clean from the place, and they flush you right out of the store.
the drive
While driving to IKEA I noticed my gf had a little mustache growing. My gf is Croatian and Italian so when it comes to growing a mustache she is no amateur. I should be the only one in our relationship with a mustache but I’m not. It’s already not a good look for guys. I told her, “you need to Mr. Miyagi yourself (Karate Kid reference from the 80s)”. She was confused. I said, “you need Mr. Miyagi…so you can wax on wax off” that mustache. She understood and luckily laughed. Most women would care if you called them out for a having mustache. Not my gf, unless 30 years from now she develops PTSD from all mustache talk and enters rehab. We just arrived to Ikea.
the arrival
It only took me 15 minutes at IKEA to get anxious. Once I get ancy my gf is in trouble. That’s when I’m become annoying. That’s when I start to poke and prod. I get to the point of no return. I started to poke her but made excuses on why it was beneficial to her. I poked her sides saying, “it’s a pressure point.. I’m doing acupuncture… it’s supposed to relieve stress”. When in reality, I’m just getting my frustrations out because I’m sick of shopping. They say ‘Shop til you Drop’.
the middle
In the middle of our IKEA trip anger settled in. My anxtiey turned into what my friends call “fake mad”. Fake mad is when I talk through my teeth like I’m angry. It’s also been referred to as ‘unchecked aggression’. I guess I have a lot of fuel in my tank. My fake madness came out when I noticed we’ve been at the store for an hour. I pulled my gf aside stating, “let’s get the hell outta here before I FREAK out” all while gritting my teeth. It’s a good way to channel my anger. If a customer saw me they would’ve thought I was a serial killer. I think I could’ve won an oscar for how dramatic I get. You’d think I’d hit rock bottom, lost everything in life, but in reality I’ve just been at a shopping store for too long.
the end
You know a store is exhausting when they have a restaurant inside it. We were near the IKEA café which sells hot dogs, pizza, and Swedish meatballs. Another idea by IKEA to for you make more bad choices. I was still anxious and still fake mad, but I was trying to find the silver lining in this hellhole we call IKEA, so I made a game out of it. When customers would walk by I would loudly say, “keep it up honey and you might get yourself a veggie dog for Valentines Day”. I did this several times so passer bys would hear me and I look like an awesome bf. The thing is veggie dogs were 75 cents and my gf doesn’t eat them. My gf wasn’t getting the Valentine’s Day hot dog she never wanted.
pulling back the curtains
Shawn Bradley was drafted by the Philadelphia 76ers in the 1993 draft with the 2nd overall pick. He was born in Germany and stands 7 ft 6 inches. He was nicknamed the “Stormin Mormon” because of his religious beliefs. He was one of the best High School players to come out of Utah. He holds the state record for 18 blocked shots in a single game. I’m sure Shawn would’ve blocked his wife’s attempt to going to IKEA. He finished his NBA career with averages of 8.1 points, 6.3 rebounds, and 2.5 blocks in 23.5 minutes of action per game. He also has never been to IKEA. I think?
doogie howser moment
IKEA is not that bad if you don’t buy anything. It’s actually fun. Sometimes relationships will get hairy. If things do get hairy, don’t get mad, get fake mad. Use fake pressure points on your partner to relieve anxieties and get her to laugh. But if you do make her mad, buy her a veggie dog. Don’t ask her, just buy it. It’s the thought that counts. Also, I forgot to mention, I had a choice to go to IKEA.