chef “bored-ardee”
I’ve been doing a lot of cooking at home. I’ve made homemade barbecue sauce, enchiladas, curry, and almond flour pancakes. By no means do I consider myself a chef. It’s like when people say “I’m no Doctor” when they give unsolicited medical advice. Well “I’m no chef” but I did work at Noodles and Company in college, which isn’t cooking. I was just reheating noodles and pouring pre made sauce on each dish. I wasn’t a cook, I was a “reheater”. Don’t worry, I always washed my hands while working there, maybe not for 20 seconds, but I washed my hands. It is fun to cook from scratch, you take something from nothing, and create something tasty. Out of all the cooking I did the only thing I burnt last week were bagel bites. They were so hard that they felt like rocks… they would have made great skipping stones or paper weights. We had to throw them out. How can a guy make food from scratch the entire week burn bagel bites? I’ll tell you why… there bagel bites. Don’t buy bagel bites. Cream cheese belongs on bagels not pizza.
but first…
I’ve been working out everyday to stay mentally and physically sharp, plus I want hard toned @ss cheeks. My new goal is to get a big thick juicy @ss like Kim Kardashian. But in reality my butt is Taylor Swift…pale, white, and hairy. I imagine T. Swift has a hairy butt hole. Who is to tell me she doesn’t? She can’t be that perfect? Unfortunately, my butt can only get so juicy. I’m nearing 40, my butt is losing steam and doesn’t have much left in the tank. You know…I hit my peak in my 20s. Those wore the ‘glute glory years’. Now my butt resembles a pale hamburger bun that’s been left outside in the rain overnight. My butt is starting to cave into my hamstring like a vortex in a time warp. It looks like someone took a Hoover and vacuumed my butt in. My butt looks like a deflated inner tube that’s slowly leaking. Get the point? I feel like quitting my butt workout but I won’t . No matter what… I’m still going to tone my pancake booty until it’s fluffier than a flapjack at Denny’s. Order up!
high on family values
I celebrated 420 with my family by buying them candy joints. I thought it was the kind thing to do. It’s the reason for season. If they sell candy cigarettes why not sell candy blunts? I used to love candy cigarettes growing up. It never lead me to smoke. It wasn’t a gateway drug to real cigarettes. So, if your going get high, get high with your family. Smoke up the responsible way by smoking candy cigs. Now, I got to go, my kid’s drug dealer is here. He is dropping off an eight ball of candy cocaine. Obviously, none of this happened. The candy joints I was going to buy, had high fructose corn syrup in them, so I didn’t buy them, we’re healthy.
I wish I was...
My new life goal is being a one hit wonder. That’s all I want to do. Make one hit and get out. I just want a taste of the high life, groupies, parties, and drugs. I don’t want to be famous and be subject to trolls and have no privacy my entire life. I don’t want to be put “on blast” for having a “side chick”. But honestly, I don’t think I could sustain stardom for that long. I wouldn’t have the consistency to put out hit after hit after hit. The only thing I could do is come out with a catchy catch phrase that people could yell out like “hey dudes hey”. My star power would fizzle out so fast like a freshly opened knockoff Sprite from Aldi. I aspire to be the next Skee lo. He was a one hit wonder who told it like it was. He didn’t brag like Vanilla Ice in “Ice Ice Baby” or think he was “Mr. Boombastic” like Shaggy. Skee Lo was real, but that’s just a dream that will never come true, but “I wish”.
sweating to my oldies
My thigh sweat is getting out of hand or should I say getting out of thigh. My thigh sweat has ruined so many pants of mine. I never realized why my pants at the thigh area always got an orange color. It looks like my jeans were given a bad spray tan. I finally realized that I wasn’t washing my jeans enough. I’m on the monthly wash plan for pants. Hey to my defense, I do my own laundry, just in case my girlfriend breaks up with me,I want to know how to do simple tasks. I now realize that was gross. I guess that’s the price you pay when you don’t wash clothes often and have thunder thighs. Don’t try to play off your ‘sweat faded jeans’ as cool, it doesn’t work with body sweat. ‘Body sweat stained’ jeans are not chic… yet.
pulling back the ‘curtains’: Brett Favre edition
“Pulling back the curtains” is a new edition of the blog in where I react to personal stories that are made public. Why not start with Brett Favre? Brett Favre made a comment that Aaron Rodgers will play somewhere else when he nears the end of his career. This was an ESPN article that sounded like a wacky Yahoo! article. He said he has a “gut feeling” that he will play somewhere else. I don’t know if I can trust Favre or his gut. You know what’s in his gut? Pain killers and Bud Light. Favre is the jealous ex husband who tells his ex wife’s current husband it’s not going to work out. I have a ‘gut feeling’ he says. You know what’s in my guts? Burnt bagel bites. I don’t my gut or your gut. How do I know you’ve taken your probiotics. Is this a probiotic plug by Big Bacteria? If it is, good play. We need more healthy bacteria for our guts, but it sounds like he is trying to mess with the Packers chemistry. He wants people to “Never 4 get”. Stop trying to stick it to Ted Thompson… he doesn’t work there anymore. 4 ever? 4ever talking nonsense. Why don’t you send another dick pick of your 4 skin? And that’s my ‘gut feeling’.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, wash your clothes before they turn orange. Set your life goals low like being in a local rock n roll band that tours regionally. Don’t try to be famous it’s too stressful. Work hard play hard like John Starks. John Starks, was an NBA player who went undrafted in the 1988 NBA draft, yet still became an NBA All Star and made the All Defensive team. He played both ends of the court who exhibited mental and physical toughness reminiscent of the Detroit Pistons “Bad Boys”. He is best known for ‘The Dunk’, in which he dunked over Horance Grant and Michael Jordan in Game 2 of the 1993 Eastern Conference Finals. Sure, they ended up losing that series but it was still a cool play. It was his claim to fame but don’t get me wrong he was no one hit wonder.