overheard in a conversation I was in
“your son’s going to have 10 kids by 10 different women!”- janitor at work talking about my three year old son
My reaction: Well I’m glad she is confident about my son’s future as a womanizer. It hasn’t crossed my mind that he will be a dad yet. He can’t even put on his underwear on straight. He is only three. I don’t want to be a grandfather to 10 kids. That would be overwhelming. I would be a deadbeat grandfather.
the real old world
I’ve never gotten into reality shows like The Bachelor or The Real World. They all revolve around people in there 20s. I’m sick of seeing kids party, drink, and hook up. It’s too predictable. That’s supposed to happen, The industry needs to shake things up and I’m just the producer who can do it. We need to focus on a untapped market. Imagine a dating reality show revolved around people in their 80s. All the hookups after bingo sessions, seniors getting loopy off there medication, and all the drama that goes on in a assisted living home. Let’s focus on all the Mildreds, Bettys, and Franks rather than the Chads, Lauras, and Craigs.
snitch daddy
I’m so quick to call out my step kids to their mom for stuff they do wrong. I’m such a snitch. I can’t wait to unload and tell on them. I’m a tattle tale for real. If I’m watching them for a few hours I will take a mental ledger of the things they did wrong, like if they didn’t do their dishes, got into a fight with each other, or used the cell phone excessively when their not supposed to. Instead of being a parent I will outsource all duties to their mother. I’ll give a full summary report to their mother. I’m discreet about it. I will say it in way that it doesn’t look like I’m snitching on them. I will whisper in her ear and say something ambiguous so the kids can’t trace it back to me. For example, if the dishes aren’t done I will hold up a dish and leave it out so she can see it in a more obvious place so it looks like their mom found it without me being involved. I’m so good at being snitch. I don’t care if snitches get stitches. I will take that chance. I just want justice in the house but don’t want any responsibility in enforcing that justice.
in my research
I talk to a lot of people who say “in my research” when they talk about looking for information about a car, news, or anything on a subject matter. I feel like that term is misused a lot. People will state “in my extensive research I’ve found that oranges contain vitamin C”. Your research has shown that? You mean googling an answer to a question you had? That’s considered research now? Just typing or saying what you want to know is research? Your extensive research is done in seconds. When did we all become archaeologists, explorers, and scientists? No one is in the lab doing around the clock research. No one is even going to library to read a book. We are just clicking a button and saying we did research. I’m guilty of it too.
surfs up
Surfers are getting a bad rep. Surfing is one of the hardest sports out there and we have minimalized all that hard work when we say phrases such as “surfing the web”. Surfing the web is such a easy thing to do. Surfing the ocean is one of the hardest things to do. It’s hard just to stand on a surfboard without falling over. Surfing the web is just sitting on a coach pressing buttons. Surfers also get a bad rap when people say, “what you doing?” “Nothing” “I’m couch surfing”. Couch surfing is probably the laziest thing you can do in life. You burn more calories sleeping. I’d like to apologize to all the surfers out there. Hang 10 bros.
non emergency car
My family and I were scared last week because there was a car we’ve never seen parked across the street from our house with someone in it for 2 hours. We texted the neighbor whose house they were in front of, so they called the non-emergency number. I don’t understand the non-emergency number. A non emergency can turn into an emergency in seconds. Non emergencies and emergencies will most likely happen before anyone can save you. Thus being the same. I’d rather work for the non emergency hotline than the emergency hotline. I’d rather deal with non emergencies. How do they answer? “911… what’s your non-emergency?” What should we care about that’s a big deal to you but not to us? I wonder if anyone has called the non emergency hotline with an emergency and the operator hung up. Non emergency? I have a emergency but it can wait a few days. No rush. Take your time. My neighbor ended up reporting this car to the non-emergency. The car and person have done nothing wrong but just parked on our street. We thought this person was scoping out places to rob. The kids thought it was a pedophile. We all had ideas of what we thought this person was up to and they were all worst case scenario. The cops ended up coming and found out that the lady was homeless and was looking for a place to sleep that night. We were all wrong.
pulling back the curtains
George Ratkovicz was an American basketball player who played for five seasons in the National Basketball League and for six seasons in the National Basketball Association. He played center and forward during his career. He played for the Syracuse Nationals, Baltimore Bullets, and Milwaukee Hawks from 1949-1955. A guy named George Ratkovicz would never make the NBA nowadays. With the name of George Ratkovicz he should be working in a steel mill as a welder not an NBA player. During the 1954–1955 season, his final year in the NBA, he played in just nine games. He retired with over 3,000 points and nearly 2,000 rebounds in his career.
doogie howser moment
In my research I guess I’m a snitch. It’s not because I’m mean. It probably has to do with me being passive aggressive. I’m only a snitch when it comes to my step kids though. I’m not a real life snitch. I didn’t snitch on the lady sleeping in her car. My couch surfing neighbor who was watching a bad reality show was snitching on the homeless lady. I think neighbors calling the cops on homeless people would be a good reality show, but an even better reality show would be filming my son’s journey of parenting 10 different kids by 10 different women.