overheard in a conversation I was in
“jesus woke me up today”- co worker
My reaction: The same co worker who complained that he had to wake up today told me that Jesus woke him up. I asked him, “then aren’t you mad at Jesus?”. He said, “no… he’s our lord and savior”. I also take things very literal sometimes, so I imagined Jesus opening the door to his room, tapping on his shoulder, whispering “Bryan… rise and shine… it’s time to wake up”, and then leaving the room to wake up every other person in the world just as Santa would deliver presents to everyone on Christmas Day.
what’s the buzz about
I was watching a Honey Nut Cheerio commercial and wondered “has Buzz the bee ever stung someone?” The crazy thing is, I don’t eat Honey Nut Cheerios. I don’t eat Cheerios at all. I hate Cheerios. They give the world bad breath. I have no clue what made me think that. But it still begs me the question “how many people has that bee stung?”. Well after a bee stings someone they die. According to Wikipedia, it dies a gruesome death. Buzz could’ve stung zero people or Buzz could’ve died on the first set of shooting the commercial and the producers just got another bee that looked like Buzz.
house blabbing
I always see signs that say “We Buy Any House. Any Condition. Any Situation”. Do you really? I can burn down my house with kerosene and lighter fluid and you will buy my house for $1,000,000 under any situation? I mean you will buy my gf’s house. I don’t own it but I can burn it down. That’s a pretty outrageous statement. I should give them a call and say “Hey… I have a house that I took 10 dumps in, smeared poop on the wall, and threw up all over the rugs. I’ll let you buy it for $1 billion dollars.” I’m calling your bluff.
car talk
Hyundais and Kias are getting stolen a lot. Maybe people should stop buying Hyundais and Kias. Also, while we are at it, stop putting stickers on your cars. How are you going to spend $30,000 on a new car then litter it with stickers from breweries, political messages, and false hope? I rarely use stickers. I’m not in 1st grade. I don’t need stickers. My new favorite sticker I see on cars is “Hope something good happens to you today”. I read it very sarcastically like the person who made it is mocking us like “yeah… I hope something good happens to you today” in a very condensing way in where they don’t want something good to happen to you.
wing good night
A lot of people are wondering why there is a wing shortage. I’ve seen it coming for years. It’s been decades in the making. You know how many Wing Nights there are at bars. Every bar that has a grill has a wing night on a Tuesday or Thursday. Of course there is a shortage of chickens, we’ve ate all of them. If you get the bare minimum of wings which is 8 per order and then times that by 50 orders, then your talking a lot of wings just in one night. The industry needs to ban chicken wings or source a new bird. There’s a lot of robins in my neighborhood. Let’s starting eating Robins. I’ve seen a lot of pigeons too. Lets source those birds. We need an alternative source of wings or else wing nights will be gone forever.
unrest-aurant
You ever order from a restaurant on the phone and then halfway through the order they are like “sorry that place closed.. we are a different restaurant.” My gf seriously ordered 2 things off the menu over the phone before the lady taking the order interrupted and said, “sorry.. we are a new restaurant”. Funny because we saw the menu online, wrote down our order, and called the number to place our order. You would’ve thought they were open. I thought the internet had all the answers. I thought the internet was supposed to right. You did me wrong internet. You may have won this round but we will meet again internet.
pulling back the curtains
No player has ever worn number 74 in the NBA so I made a name and backstory. Victor Smegel will be drafted in the 2030 NBA Draft by the Indiana Pacers with the 31st pick in the 2nd round. Smegel will go on to play significant minutes of garbage time. He will average 0.8 points per game and 3 blocks per game. He will retire after one year due to his love of computer science.
doogie howser moment
I’ve been stressed lately and I don’t like it. I’m stressing about if Buzz the Honey Nut Cheerio is going to sting me. I feel like I’m the “house” that is in “Any Condition” on that house buyer sign because my condition is declining right now. The best thing about stress is stress eating. Maybe that’s the reason there is a wing shortage? We are all eating hot wings to overcome are issues. But if your are stressed I hope something good happens to you today (and not in a condescending way). If you woke up then something good already happened… Jesus woke you up.