intro/doppelgänger
I shaved my beard and now I’m trying to figure out who I look like now. I love doppelgängers. I love giving myself my own doppelgänger. Before I shaved my beard I looked like a dirty hippie who worked at Whole Foods. I looked like Jason Momoa from Aquaman even though I’m a bad swimmer. I looked like a caveman who struggled with being a caveman because he sucked at hunting. Now I look like a college kid in his 30s. I look like Loki who is hungover from drinking too many White Claws. Loki is known as the god of mischief but I’m more like the god of mishaps.
neck security
Shaving my beard has made me realize I have a long neck and a small head. I’m really insecure of my neck. I didn’t think people could be insecure about the neck. I think I’m going to start wearing turtle necks. Maybe invest in a turtle neck company. Support long necks. I have so much neck I make geese jealous. I would be a dream come true for people who like to give hickies. I wish all the length of my neck went to my penis but instead it went to my neck. I got a giraffe sized neck, a squirrel sized penis, and hippo sized nuts. I’m a animal experiment gone bad.
brewery poser
When I had my beard it was 6 inches long, it was a half a foot. I had a half a foot of a beard. But I shaved it because I didn’t want to be a poser anymore. I knew I never was going to brew my own beer. I don’t have dreams of opening a brewery. Every guy with a beard drinks beer or brews beer. It’s so cliche. I don’t drink beer anymore. You can’t have a beard and not drink. Its hypocritical. I had to be honest with myself. I don’t even drink coffee. I don’t hunt. I don’t do beard things so I don’t need a beard.
mr. clean
When you shave a big beard off your face people will say you look clean. Jokes on them because I haven’t showered in days. That’s a lame joke. But why do beards make people look dirty? Why does excess hair on a face look dirty? You don’t call girls with long hair dirty. It’s only face hair. My beard was very coarse. I could understand why people felt that way. I’ve never seen a guy with a beard and thought “I bet that guy showers twice a day.” I think the opposite. I think, “ewww.. that guy hasn’t even been in a shower in two days.”
pube face
When you have a long beard it always gets in your mouth. It’s nice to not have hair in my mouth especially when my beard closely resembled pubes. There’d be moments when I didn’t know if I went down on someone or not. It was that bad. Did I just munch some rug, drown a beaver, or hugged some muff? That was the biggest downfall to a big beard. My mouth would be full of faux pubes.
doogie howser moment
I’m glad I shaved my beard. I feel liberated from looking like a bad brewmaster or a dirty hippie. Now I look like I shower on a daily basis. I look like I’m trying to get my life back together. There’s no more pubes on my face. I can eat a meal without hair as the main dish. The only thing I have to do is shave every week and buy a turtleneck.