deadbeat dad joke
I have a mug that says “#1 DAD”. I’m not a # 1 Dad. I’m a # 2 DAD. Insert fart noises.
pen quality
I judge a business by how good their free pens are. If it works I trust your place of business but if it runs out of ink I’m out. I took a free pen from my dentist and it doesn’t work. It might’ve worked for a few sentences then fizzled out. It didn’t work long enough for me to trust them. It also said “smile more” on the pen. How can I smile if the pen I’m using doesn’t work? Smile more? Is my dentist a therapist now? I just want my teeth cleaned.
one star
I live by a Chinese restaurant called Kings Wok. King’s Wok is located in a run down strip mall. Geez… I hope a King doesn’t eat there because then we are all in trouble. I wanted to see what the people were saying about Kings Wok on Yelp because Yelp seems like a reliable source of information. Yelp is just another platform for people to hate, victimize, and show their outrage. People on their rarely review the food. They just review the experience they had and how they weren’t given enough ‘customer service’. How do you expect customer service when you eat at places that make don’t have healthy options? You obviously don’t respect yourself so stop trying to get respect from a cashier at King’s Wok. I saw that they only got 3 out of 5 stars , so I guess I won’t be eating there. 3 stars in the Yelp world is bad but 3 stars should be good enough. Hell, one star is good enough. If a teacher in grade school gave me one star I knew I was doing something right.
don’t forget the ice
Grocery stores never want you to forget the ice. There are signs everywhere saying don’t forget the ice. God forbid you forget the ice. Did ice’s feelings get hurt one day? Did ice say one day, “Hey… people are forgetting me. Please put a sticker on the door that says ‘Don’t forgot the ice!’ I don’t know how people forget the ice. It’s one of the biggest containers in the store with large lettering that says ICE. Ice is one of those items that you specifically go to the store for as well. How hard is it that to forget? We need to start saying “Don’t forget the celery. Don’t forget your kids. Don’t forget to be grateful that you are able to shop for your food and not hunt it.’
how to eat
I was reading a health magazine and on the front page it gave me all these tips. The first tip was about the truth on sodium. What truth about sodium? Has sodium been lying to us for all these centuries? Has sodium tricked us into thinking it was healthy? Is sodium really sodium or is it an imposter? Is it a secret killer? Then it went on say “what veggies to eat’. I’m thinking ‘all of them’. What do you mean what veggies to eat? You can’t go wrong eating a veggie. A Doctor never recommended or said, “stop eating veggies. you’re eating the wrong ones..’ He doesn’t know. He’s just glad your not eating fried foods and food from King’s Wok. The last tip stated “how to eat meat’. Huh? How to eat meat? You mean ‘open your mouth and chew.’ That’s how you eat meat. Now you don’t have to read that health magazine since I gave you all the tips.
old acknowledgment
I can tell I’m getting old because I want to be acknowledged. I want people to acknowledge me when I’m in public. The closer you are to mortlality the more you want to be acknowledged. I will walk pass another person and say ‘hi’. I just want to be acknowledged. I want to know I’m valuable, that I matter still. I want to be useful still. I know I’m only in my 40s but the ball is rolling slowly to the cementry. I want to be ahead of the curve and learn all the things old people do.
doogie howser moment
The older I get the more respect I want. The older we get the more reminders we also seem to get. I feel like we are reminded of a lot these days. We are reminded to eat healthy. We are reminded to not forget the ice. We are reminded to check Yelp to see if we should eat at a place. Maybe that pen from the dentist place is right, maybe we should smile more.