a time to reflect
If you take a poop right before you shower, do you wash your hands in the sink before you shower or do you go straight to the shower without washing your hands?
my reaction: I immediately wash my hands after I poop before I get in the shower. You should too. I want to make sure my hands are clean before I clean my body with my hands. I don’t want to rub “poop” all over my body. Also, I need to keep my “soaps” separate. Hand soap for hands and body wash for everything else. For some reason I don’t trust body soap on my hands.
best bod
I offhandedly told my gf I have the best body in the house. Hands down. No one comes close. I’m not being cocky about it. I’m the oldest guy in the house so in theory I should have the worst. I’m 40 years old. My body is slowly deteriorating. I shouldn’t have the best bod. I just don’t have any competition. My competition is a freshman in High School, an 8th grader, a 5 year old, and a 8 month old. My gf has had 4 kids. I’m not being insensitive. She looks great. My body on the other hand would be an abomination if I had 4 kids. I already have stretch marks and I’ve never given birth. I would have a muffin top like no other. You could call me the muffin man who lives on down jewellery lane.
coed dad
My brother is going back to school at the ripe age of 37. I’d like to quote the old saying, “it’s never too late”. My brother is going to be the hottest dad on school campus. Luckily, all of his classes will be online. I guess he is technically not going “back to school” since it’s online, he’s going to his living room. My brother going back to school has inspired me to think about going back to school online as well. I could get my Master’s degree from the bathroom. I could do all my classes from sitting on the toilet. I would do all my homework, quizzes, and essays from the confine of my bathroom. I would love to graduate with honors while sitting on the pot. Only in the tech age can someone graduate with a Master’s in Business from his bathroom and then go on to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.
quarterback
I went to Trader Joes and grabbed a little red basket. I don’t like pushing a shopping cart while shopping. I feel like using a shopping cart emasculates me. I feel very insecure for some reason like people are saying, “look at that doosh… he can’t even carry his own bag of chips… loser”, so that’s why I grab a little red basket (way more manly). While I was checking out the cashier said, “hey.. is this your quarter? It was in your basket. You want it?” I said, “No…I don’t need it. You can give it to the next lucky customer.” Then after a couple of minutes of her bagging my groceries and chit chat I asked if I could get the quarter. There was an awkward pause like she didn’t want to give it to me but the customer is always right. She reluctantly gave me the quarter that was never mine. I went on to say what I was going to use the quarter for. She didn’t care that I was going to plug a parking meter or use it for a vacuum at Scrub a Dub. She didn’t care at all but I felt like I had to tell her.
only farts
OnlyFans is taking off. If you don’t know what it is, it’s an internet content subscription service used primarily by sex workers who produce pornography. Anyone can have an Only Fans account. A lot of people are making money posting lewd pictures of themselves. I don’t think I could do that. I can’t act s*xy and be serious about it. I would laugh at myself. It would be a joke. However, I could do an Only Farts website. I could start an account on Only Farts and post pictures and media of me farting in different situations. Here’s me in my living room farting on my gf, here’s me in my kitchen farting on a dish, and here’s me crop dusting Macy’s. I would make thousands of dollars each month posting fart related content.
freeze club
There’s a movie called Fight Club. It’s about a couple of guys who start an underground club who fight each other. I couldn’t be in a Fight Club. I would get knocked out. Demolished. Obliterated. But I could be in a Flight or Freeze Club. I would be great at that club. Instead of fighting I would take Flight or Freeze. I would run or get so scared I wouldn’t move. I have a feeling that my Flight or Freeze Club wouldn’t last long. We would lose each time. I’m glad God gifted me with speed. I could always run away from fights and I have. Maybe I should’ve stood my ground one of those times. I’m a lover not a fighter. I’m not even a good lover. I’m neither a lover nor a fighter. Dang. I wish I could pay someone to act out a real fight with me just so I can practice. I need to learn how to fight. I’ve seen parents get into fights during sporting events. I want to be the guy knocking out another annoying parent, not get knocked out.
doogie howser moment
It’s never too late to go to school or learn how to fight. Stick up for what you want even if it’s a quarter at Trader Joe’s. Even though I have the best body in my house I don’t fight. I should put my body to the test and post on Only Fans but instead I’d rather fart. Remember take flight and wash your hands after you poop before you shower.