a moment of self reflection
My arm pits smell like pepperoni.
my reaction: It smells like Pizza Hut. I get hungry smelling my armpits. I just hope my other body parts don’t start smelling like food. I’m glad I don’t have nipples that smell like brussel sprouts. I pray to God my crotch doesn’t smell like onions. Let’s just hope my butt doesn’t smell like tofu.
change is good?
People always tell me change is good. It’s not good when that change is climate change. I was reading an article on how hurricanes have become stronger, wetter, and more unpredictable. Haven’t hurricanes always been strong, wet, and unpredictable? The article went on to say that ‘climate migration’ is happening in Florida in where residents flee an area because of natural disasters. They say there is a beginning of a great exodus from Florida. Oh great, I hope not. I don’t want old people from Florida moving to the Midwest. Please stay in Florida. Maybe all these hurricanes are mother nature’s way of saying, “It’s time Florida. You must go. Goodbye.’ It’s evolution. Dinosaurs have gone extinct. Now it’s time for Florida to go extinct. We don’t need you anymore. Bye Florida. Tah Tah.
open bar
I like using bar soap when I shower. It’s gratifying watching the bar of soap decrease in size every time I use it. I grew up with bar soap. I believe it’s more effective than body wash. Body wash is for pansies. “Oh let me rub that soft supple lotion type substance on my body.” Get out of here. Gimme some hard soap darn’t. However I do have a problem with bar soap. They sell bar soap at Whole Foods that’s unpackaged. It’s openly on display. Anyone can touch it. Anyone can touch your future soap. Why isn’t packaged? Why is it just in the open air? I don’t want soap with all these hipsters hands on them. How can you even clean soap? Wash it with another bar of soap? Can soap be dirty? Yes, when a whole bunch of dirty Whole Foods shoppers touch it, then soap can be dirty.
switch it up
I don’t like bathroom light switches that automatically turn on the fan when you turn on the light. I get that it’s efficient but it assumes I’m going to take a dump. I don’t like that. Please don’t treat me like I’m some kind of animal with a poor diet just because I eat a western diet and live in America. Don’t stereotype me technology. Don’t make me the bad guy. But I get it light switch. You every right to assume I’m going tear the bathroom up. You have the right to protect yourself and everything in the bathroom from my stench. I have a checkered past. My track record is not good. Next time I go to bathroom, I just hope there is 2 switches: one for the fan and one for the light.
make a milli
My gf works a stressful job. She always looks beaten down, worn out, and hit by a train after a long day at work. I always tell her she should quit but she makes a lot of money. She makes more than double than I do. She told me she would quit and be a stay at home mom if I can clear $80k a year. $80k a year?!? That sounds too stressful. I don’t want to look beaten down, worn out, and hit by a train daily. I don’t think I even qualify for a job that makes $80k a year. That means I have to make important decisions. That means I have to hold people accountable. That means I have to dress in a collard shirt and slacks. I don’t want to do any of that. I would have to work 3 full time jobs to clear $80k. I would have to win the lottery for her to quit her job. I guess I’m going to be buying a lot of scratch offs this week.
office space
I have the option of working at home and in the office. While I was in the office one day the receptionist stated over the intercom that there was a code blue. A code blue means aggressive behavior in the building requires intervention. I didn’t know what to do. I stayed put in my locked office. I assumed someone else was going to handle it. After the incident, I talked to my supervisor about it. There was fight between two men. One guy threw a punch and then the other retaliated by grabbing a chemical spray bottle from the custodian’s cleaning cart and tried spraying the other guy. I asked, “how did she know?’. She said, “I responded to the incident. I stated, “I didn’t know I was supposed to respond.” She said, “it would be nice to have a guy.” Shoot, I thought I was supposed to shelter in place. I don’t make $80k a year. I’m not trying to end up with chemical scars on my face. To my defense, we also have security on the premise. That’s his job.
doogie howser moment
Change is inevitable. Change is needed. You can’t be the same person you were 20 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t changed. I’m scared of change. I still use bar soap and not body wash. I’m still hiding out when there is a fight. I still don’t wear deodorant even though my pits smell like pepperoni. Maybe I will switch up it up like the light switch in a bathroom and make $80k a year by selling bars of soap because obviously the bar of soap I’m using ain’t working.