something about me
I never shovel the snow off the roof of my car after a snowfall. I enjoy watching it fly off my roof when I’m driving 70 mph on the freeway onto other cars.
don’t nail it
I found a long fake white nail on the passenger side floor of my car. I didn’t want my gf to think I was cheating on her so I immediately threw it away. It belonged to my step daughter. I’m not an adulterer. I thought of a whole scenario in where my gf finds the fake nail in the car and I have to explain to her I’m not practicing infidelity. I’m not good at explaining things so it would sound as if I was cheating on her. I would fidget, not make eye contact, and nervously say, “I don’t know where that fake nail came from. It’s nothing. It’s nobody. Leave me alone.”Sweat would be dripping down my forehead. I’d wrongfully admit to something I didn’t do. “I confess. I cheated on you. I don’t know with who but I did. I’m guility” as I whimper in the front seat of the car.
free heat
I don’t put the heat on in my car even during the cold winter months. It could be below zero in the middle of Antartica and I’d still leave the heat off. I like to just adapt to the coldness. It’s cold car therapy. Instead I just open the vents and let the engine heat warm up the car. I call it ‘free heat’. I’ve been told that turning on the heat in the car doesn’t cost anything or use gas but I still don’t turn it on anyway. My step kids always complain that it’s too cold in the car. Well, maybe you should put on a coat and boots other than wearing a sweatshirt and Crocs and you won’t be cold. If you know your going to be travelling with me then dress appropriately. Put on a parka, wear some mittens, and ear muffs. Bring long underwear and some hand warmers. I don’t like when people complain that it’s cold but they are wearing nothing.
polar plunge
Cold plunges and ice baths are all the rage nowadays. It’s where you submerge your body in ice cold water for minutes. It’s supposed to have a lot of benefits from improving your immune system, fighting depression, good for your skin, and easing anxiety. I need help with all of those so I thought I’d do it. Some people do ice baths or take cold showers at home but I did a cold plunge in Lake Michigan in the dead of winter. The water temperature was 34 degrees. That’s way below the recommended temperature for cold plungers. The recommended temperature for beginners is around 50 degrees. They say if you shock your body too much you can go into cardiac arrest. I didn’t go into cardiac arrest. I enjoyed it. It felt great. My body was so numb that I wasn’t able to think about anything else. I actually felt alive. I will do a cold plunge again (maybe not in a polluted Lake with a bunch of pigeon sh*t but in a more clean environment).
therapy therapy
Therapy in general is taking off. I feel like people are taking advantage of it. If there’s money to be made there’s a scam to be invented. You can put the word therapy after anything and people will buy into it. There’s music therapy aka listen to music. There’s pet therapy where you pet an animal. There’s art therapy where you draw. So many therapies. I’m making my own therapy like cry therapy. Cry therapy is where you cry for hours. I’ll charge people $50 an hour to sit in a room and make them watch sad movies or hear bad news about their loved ones. I’m sure I can make millions. I’ll make up nipple twisting therapy. It’s where you pay some Russian lady to twist your nipples for an hour. You leave with a whole bunch of purple nurples and titty twisters. In theory it moves your pain and is released out of your nipple. I’ll make up poop therapy in where you eat like sh*t for a day and then spend the next day on the toilet purging your body of the toxins. See how easy it is to make up believable therapies.
sneak freak
I went to a NBA basketball game over the weekend. Every arena I’ve been to charges way too much for concessions that suck and are unhealthy. It’s usually a half cooked pizza or rotten hot dog. They don’t have any healthy options at the game except bottled water that’s $6. So, I have to sneak in food. When I sneak food in it’s a banana, apple, or orange. I need have my fruit therapy to ensure my body is grounded. This time I went to the game I wanted to go big. I didn’t want to sneak in a piece a fruit, crackers, or nuts. What if someone had a nut allergy in my aisle? Would I indirectly kill someone if I ate a cashew? Would my bag of nuts kill someone? Would deez nuts lead to death? I decided againist the nuts. I ended up sneaking an avocado sushi roll from Whole Foods. I even brought a pair chop sticks. It has been my favorite food heist thus far. Everytime I pulled out my avocado roll I would say, “I didn’t know they had sushi here.”
doogie howser moment
It’s all about mental health these days. Finally, a trend that benefits the human race. But I’m not entirely sure that mental health is working. We have record numbers of people with depression and anxiety yet there’s a huge focus on mental health. I guess we need to do a new therapy I made up. Do cold therapy. Freeze those sad thoughts. Don’t turn the heat on on the car. Jump in a cold lake. Eat cold food like sushi at a basketball game. Its a cold world. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Just don’t be a cold cold person.