intro
When my gf uses the bathroom I set the oven timer because I know she is “cooking up something”.
skits
The state of California is trying to ban the sale of Skittles because it may cause cancer. How much Skittles do you have to eat to get cancer? Who is shoving Skittles down there throat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? That’s a lot of Skittles. I assume one skittle is not giving you cancer but a pound of Skittles a day will. I think M&Ms have something behind this. Willy Wonka is plotting against Skittles. It’s a move to get rid of the competition. We should ban all candy then. Isn’t all candy bad for you? Why is Skittles taking the fall? How about not make Skittles with chemicals? Why is that so hard? Make an organic Skittle. Unfortunately I don’t think people care that they may get Cancer from Skittles. People will take that risk from eating Skittles. Skittles are too good and convenient. You’d be okay getting Skittle Cancer but if I told you that Skittles caused erectile dysfunction then you’d be protesting in the streets with signs that say “Destroy the Rainbow” and “Our Body Our Rights”.
cat walk
After work I took to my 10 month old daughter for a walk in her stroller because I needed to get out of the house. I was home for 5 minutes until I was like “ok get me out of this place. Im annoyed.” It doesn’t matter the weather I’m taking that baby out for a walk. It could be as hot as the desert or cold as the North Pole. I don’t confront problems I escape them. On our walk we passed a house with a cat looking through the living room window at me. Without hesitation I made eye contact and hissed at the cat. I really got into it. I growled with such ferocity. I was the alpha. I sure hope no one was in the living room while I did that because they would’ve thought I was a psycho. However they probably got it recorded on there Ring security system. I’m going to be known as the Man with the baby who hisses at cats in the neighborhood.
support local death
I live by a cemetery. I see it everyday when I leave the house. I see it when I return home. It says it’s Family Owned and Operated. Is that a marketing strategy to get more business? I thought all cemeteries were independently owned. It makes me think, are there chain cemeteries? Is there a “McDonalds” of cemeteries where you can get a punch card?Buy 9 burials and the 10th one is free! Is there a rewards program? Can I earn points? Do they have coupons like $5 off next service when you spend $100. Can I refer a dead friend and my next burial is free? That all sounds weird. I guess you should support your local cemetery.
wrong side
I like messing with my gf. That’s my key to a long lasting relationship. Mess with your gf. I’m constantly playing games. I need entertainment. Life is too boring without it. Recently I’ve been telling my gf she woke up on the wrong side of bed well past the time she woke up. It’ll be 5pm at night and I’ll say “someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” We just worked a full day and are about to eat dinner. I’ll even say it before we go to bed that night. It’s totally not warranted. I’ll say, “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed” and she’ll respond, “I’m still sleeping.”
drama queen
My son poked me in the eye by accident and I let out a huge “ow”. I cried like a little b word. It was a very dramatic scene. I should’ve won best supporting actor that night. I’m a great victim. I love the chance to showcase my talent of being hurt. To my defense he did pop out my contact so I guess it warranted a weep. But still I need to show him mental toughness even if it did hurt. I need to show some grace. Not squeal like a piggy. My 5 year old son shouldn’t beat me up. I’m a drama queen. It was not necessary for me to whimper. I’m not teaching my son to be tough. I guess he will grow up and have low testosterone and be woke.
doogie howser moment
The key to a healthy relationship is messing with your partner. It’s like that live laugh love quote you see at every newlyweds house. I take that laugh part of the quote a little too serious. I live to laugh and love to mess with my gf. I think karma has gotten me back in the form of my son poking me in my eye. I don’t know if I trust my gf, she keeps giving me Skittles. I’ll be in a family owned and operated cemetery in no time. Just kidding she doesn’t give me Skittles. I don’t just make fun of my gf I make fun of cats too. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’ve been waking up on the wrong side of the bed.