i ponder
Do alcoholics “relapse” by being sober?
my reaction: I’m talking about the true alcoholics who drink daily. Do they say, “I haven’t had a drink in days. I’ve relapsed on sobriety. I’m sober. I’m so clear minded I don’t know what to do. I drank so much La Croix. I have so much clarity! I’m going to be responsible, go to bed at a reasonable hour, and take care of my family.” It would be a clean relapse.
mouse trap
While cleaning the garage I noticed mouse poop on the bottom of my grill. So I set a couple of mouse traps with peanut butter. Within one hour of setting the traps we had caught two mice. The next day we set two more traps and got a couple more. In two days I caught four mice. I was absolutely disgusted with disposing of the mouse traps. Mice make me shriek. These mice were white. They were albino. They were Michael Jackson mice. I put on gloves, looked away, and put them in a Whole Foods bag and threw them out. We haven’t had any activity since I killed those four mice. I’m glad there are no more mice because I was using organic peanut butter. The peanut butter cost more than the traps. No wonder we had so much mice. They were eating my delicious organic peanut butter. I sure hoped they enjoyed their last meal before that trap crushed their skulls.
lube parade
I took my son to the Pride Fest Parade on Sunday. It was a family friendly parade. There were a few thongs but overall it was PG. It was the first parade that I’ve been to that they handed out condoms and lube. I’m not sure if they were telling me to practice safe sex or stop reproducing. I mean I had so much condoms I don’t know what to do with them. I could start a condom outlet store. However, I didn’t score any magnums. All the condoms they gave me were small. I guess I don’t look hung. I also had so much lube at the end of the 3 hour parade I could start my own Jiffy Lube. My son got a lot of candy and I got a lot of lube. I guess we were both happy.
freak out lane
I like seeing people freak out at self check out lanes at the grocery store. I get it. There’s nothing more frustrating when you’re trying to check out at a self check out lane and the machine says “assistance is needed” and there’s no one around. It makes me want to steal everything I was supposed to purchase. This one guy had a meltdown as he was swiping his produce. It stated he needed assistance. Who needs assistance buying bananas? This guy was visibly angry and outraged. You feel so helpless when the machine says “assistance is needed”. You look around like a lost puppy waiting for the cashier to swipe their magical card and save the day but you can do nothing but freak out.
coin to cash
I like watching people use the coin to cash machine they have at grocery stores. I didn’t know people still had coins. There slogan is turn your coins into cash. These people think they hit the jackpot. They think they got rich. They think they actually made $50. You’ve always had $50, it’s just in cash form now. Honestly, you actually lost a few bucks because that machine charges you a percentage of every dollar you put in. You didn’t make crap. You lost money you bozo.
good night randomly
You want to know how to creep someone out? Just text a friend, co worker, or parent from your kids school that you don’t talk to normally “goodnight”. Do it on a weeknight around 8 so they don’t think you’re drunk. It’ll freak them out. It’s a kind gesture. It means well but goodnight is reserved for people who you’re around at that time or if you’re talking on the phone. Random goodnight texts to people you haven’t talked to or don’t know that well is borderline harassment.
doogie howser moment
I love watching people freak out at self checkout lanes. The anger, frustration, and madness. I love watching people think they hit the jackpot for turning coins into cash. The happiness, joy, and excitement. I like texting people goodnight randomly. The awkwardness, bewilderment, and confusion. I like getting condoms and lube at a parade. It’s surprising, responsible, and smart. I hate catching mice. It’s gross, scary, and makes me want to drink. Let’s get sober y’all.