a new phrase my son made up
“you almost scared me out of the crap”
my reaction: When my son is scared by something he will say, “you almost sacred me out of the crap.” The correct saying is “you almost scared the crap out of me” but I like his version better. His saying is the opposite of scaring the crap out. His saying means that he was so scared that the crap that was near his anus traveled back into his small intestine and into his stomach.
gas me up
I have a favorite gas station that I go to. I actually have a Top 5 gas station list in my city. It’s not because the gas is cheap or because the snacks are the best, it’s just because I like how it looks. I actually haven’t even been in my favorite gas station. I just like looking at it. I don’t have a gas station fetish but one could argue that I do. I just like a nice corner gas station in the city that reminds me of one that should be up north. I like that small town homey feel. The 3 gas stations that I live by are not in my top 5. I’m actually scared to get gas at my gas stations. Someone is always trying to ask for change, there’s a drug dealer asking if I party, or the cops are there. I wish I lived by one of my favorite gas stations but then again it wouldn’t be my favorite gas station anymore.
i’m a crab
While driving I saw a fishing distribution company vehicle on the highway. It reminded me that I wouldn’t want to be a fisherman. I like fishing but wouldn’t want to do it. I wouldn’t want to be a fisherman because I know the fish we catch are going to be sold to a high end restuarant where yuppies eat. I don’t want to risk my life for a lobster than someone may or may not enjoy. I’m not trying to catch crab legs so you can pay $29 for all you can eat. I don’t want to be your personal fisherman. I don’t want all my hard work to go to waste catching that fish risking my life just so someone will eventually crap it out.
deliver us from evil
I thought about being an Amazon Delivery Driver. I thought it would be a great idea but then decided no. I don’t want to deliver useless material goods to lazy people. I don’t want to enable this generation any further than it is. People order the dumbest things on Amazon. I’m guilty of it. I ordered shoe laces from Amazon once. Shoelaces?!?!?! I could’ve gone to the store that’s right down the street and got them the same day but instead I ordered a pair of shoelaces that took a week to send. They also wanted me to leave a review about shoelaces. What the hell would I say, “These laces can keep a knot.” I feel pathetic that I ordered shoe laces on line. That’s why I can’t work as a delivery driver. I would judge every package that people ordered and get angry. I would be a very angry amazon delivery driver and every customer would have a beat up package.
king alone
If you’re in a relationship but don’t want to feel like your in a relationship buy a king size bed. Me and my gf have a king size bed and I feel alone every night. I think my gf has left me but in reality she is just on the other side of our bed. She could be cheating on me with another person and I wouldn’t know because our bed is so big. I can’t even reach and touch her with my arms fully extended. We could fit a small family on our bed. Our bed could double as a raft. Did I mention our bed is organic? Buy a King size bed if you want to be happy, buy a Queen if you want to argue occasionally, and buy a twin bed if you want a divorce.
in law heyyy
You ever do that fake excited heyyy when you see someone you haven’t seen in awhile that you don’t want to see. It’s mostly reserved when you see your in laws. You give them that fake heyyy. You may have been a victim of the hey or the perpetrator of the hey but you have done it. It usually happens at a family get together. As soon as you walk through the door they all give you a monotone heyyy that lacks effort and energy. It’s a hey with no meaning behind it. It’s got the tone of forced excitement. It means well but it does more harm than good. What there really thinking is let’s get this over with.
doogie howser moment
I think I love gas stations because one day there won’t be anymore. I want to savor it like a thing of the past. There is one day that will have milked the Earth dry of gas. We also will have milked the Ocean of all its fish. I know I’m using the word milk wrong but you get where I’m going with it. I wish we could milk the Earth dry of Amazon. Amazon might be worse than Walmart. My gf is an Amazonoholic. I get mad every time we get a package from Amazon. I’m glad we have a King size bed so I can mutter about my gripes without my girlfriend hearing me. It’s like every time I see the Amazon delivery man I’m like “heyyy you almost scared me out of the crap”.