something i wish for
i wish that hot people have ugly kids
my reaction: It’s not a wish I have every day. It’s an occasional wish. I sometimes wish that hot people have ugly kids. I don’t think good hot people should have ugly kids. I wish that materialistic, mean spirited, and a$$hole parents have god awful ugly kids. They need to be humbled a bit. I don’t wish that kid is ugly it’s whole life but just ugly long enough for their parents to become better people.
punch out
Do you ever have the urge to punch someone for looking a certain way? I had that urge a few days ago when I was at the playground. I felt like punching this 9 year old boy for no reason at all. Actually, I had a reason. He had a large head that made him look like an adult. He looked like he could’ve been a 35 year old office manager. Maybe I just don’t like people who do clerical work. I felt like just laying out this kid for that reason and that reason only. He actually was a decent kid because he was pushing his little sister on the swing set while his mom was on her phone. This kid was quite attentive to his little sister. After seeing this I still wanted to hit him but not as hard. The kid was actually a real genuine person.
sore walker
Do you ever notice people who walk like their sore? They walk sore like it’s a trend. I see this mostly in the teen demographic. I see people walking sore like it’s cool. These teens have no reason to walk like they just climbed Mt. Everest. They act as if they just ran in the Boston Marathon but when in reality, they just walked up a flight of stairs. Maybe stop wearing flip flops with socks all day. Maybe wear tennis shoes. You will be able to comfortably walk more efficiently. Or maybe just start walking in general. I see old people who are not as sore as teens and their bones are brittle as twigs.
flaccid man
I’m going to start using the word flaccid in place of soft. I like making up my own slang. Anytime I want to say something is soft I’m going to interject flaccid instead. Flaccid is a synonym for soft that works for me. For example, I love getting a freshly baked loaf of sourdough from the bakery because the bread is so flaccid. The flaccid bread makes me very happy. I love when my gf gives me a flaccid touch on the arm to say ‘hey I’m here for you’. I like using flaccid toilet paper on my bottom after using the bathroom. I’m so sensitive that sometimes people have called me soft but please refer to me as flaccid.
lbj cool
Lebron James is one of the coolest people in the world. It looks like he always important. He is dressed to impress, wearing sunglasses, and has cool headphones on. He looks like he is on a mission when he is on his way to play the game he loves. I want to have that kind of gait. I want to feel that important at all times of my life. I want to look like him when I’m walking to my car to get an oil change. I want that esteemed look when I’m pulling up to the farmers market to buy an heirloom tomato. I want to look like a star that no one can stop when I’m on my way to the Port O Potty because I drank too much water. I just want to be cool like Lebron James.
fun dad
I dislike fun dads. A fun dad is that energetic dad that takes his kid to the park and is over the top with his positive fun emotions. Stop it. You don’t have that much energy. It’s probably the only time you see your kid but otherwise you’re on a screen looking at sports scores that don’t matter. You’re putting on a show for all of us at the playground. I am not buying it. You may trick all of those other parents but not me. You are running around with your kid playing tag, going down the slide, and playing on the monkey bars like you’re the kid. Get out of here. A real good dad is always tired from constantly playing with their kids.
doogie howser moment
Overall, I’m a happy person. I make fun out of any situation. I like to entertain myself. Society is my entertainment. I love imagining myself as Lebron James when I’m taking my kid to the playground. I slowly walk up the playground determined and focused not to get annoyed by all the parents. I witness all the fun dads play with their sore ugly flaccid kids and then I’m annoyed. I’ve learned that instead of wanting to punch a 9-year-old I should punch the fun dad who thinks they are Lebron James.