something I said at a cookie decorating party
i hope this doesn’t turn into a diddy party
my reaction: Some people laughed but the second grade teacher near me didn’t. I don’t know why she was offended. She was well over her 40s. No one would touch her at a Diddy party. Also, I said, “I hope this doesn’t turn into a Diddy party”. I didn’t want a Diddy party. If I said that, then she could be mad, but I didn’t.
nyr
Every year too many people do Secret Santa. We don’t need to do Secret Santa anymore. We need to do a “Secret Santa” for New Years resolutions. It’s where you pick a name of someone you know and write three things you want to change about them. You would wrap a nice present but in the box is a note saying what you need to work on. It could be stop chewing with your mouth open, be on your phone less, or pick up your feet when you walk. Pick the most annoying trait of someone and then try to change them. What could go wrong with this game?
bed mush
I’m a bed humper. I admit it. Sometimes I like going to my room and squishing my body in my memory foam mattress. I’m not having sex with my bed. I’m not making love to it. I just love laying face down and smushing my body into my mattress. It doesn’t matter if it’s a box spring or memory foam mattress. There’s something comforting about it. It’s a sheet snuggle. I’m a mattress musher. It’s my way of relieving stress. It’s the best stress relief ever. Try it. Mush your bed.
nails done
After years of cutting my toenails inside the house I’m done. I’m going to start cutting my toenails outside. This rule goes for everyone in my house. It doesn’t matter how cold it is. It doesn’t matter how hot it is. I don’t want toe clippings on my hardwood floors. I don’t want to step on someone’s dirty toe nail. There’s always a toenail that goes AWOL. A toenail that goes MIA when you cut nails. I no longer want to be a victim of stepping on a sharp toe nail that requires medical attention.
sound off
I don’t understand how people want surround sound in there house. A lot of people like surround sound. I don’t need to feel like I’m in a action movie or at the sporting event when I watch a basketball game. The world is full of sound. No thank you. I don’t want surround sound speakers. I have enough surround sound at my house. I have a family. I have a two year old. I have sounds of crying and whining and that’s just from me.
under where
My gf asked me why don’t I walk around the house in my underwear more? I don’t know? I guess I don’t want to remind everyone that I have a small penis. No one needs to see my junior bulge. My family doesn’t need to see the imprint of my balls. They don’t need a traumatic childhood experience. I don’t want to have to pay for therapy when their older because they saw dad’s grapefruit size balls. I’m trying to give my kids a childhood to remember not a childhood of a broken home.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I do have new year’s resolutions. We all should. I could have a new week resolution. A new day resolution. A new hour resolution. I’m going to start with cutting my toe nails outside. That’s attainable. I’ll give up walking around in my underwear at night. That’s easy enough. Maybe I should get surround sound headphones to drown out the sounds of the house. One thing I’m not going to give up is humping my bed. I’m a bed humper for life.