something i shouldn’t do
plug in vacuum when it’s on
my reaction: I like to turn on my vacuum on before I plug it in just so I can see the spark it makes before it goes in the plug. It’s my way of living on the edge. It’s a cheap thrill.
rhyth-umm
I want people to feel comfortable around me but sometimes I’m not comfortable around people. Sometimes I feel in rhythm when I’m having conversations with people. There is a certain rhythm that happens when your having a conversation. A natural back and forth. It’s great when it happens. It’s almost like magic. It’s the art of communication. But then sometimes I feel out of rhythm like Steph Curry who just went 1 from 7 from the field. I don’t know how many times I should stare at them when talking. I have a hard time spitting a word out. I start stuttering. I get a little jittery and start to pace. This is when I know I’m not in rhythm. This is when I need a time out so I can abort.
what up fern
I was walking by a house and saw a fern plant in someone’s window. I thought to myself “I’d f*ck with those ferns”. This fern plant looked amazing. I think I like ferns. I’m the first person to say “I’d f*ck with those ferns”. I also love the name Fern. It could be someone’s name. “What up Fern!”. Ferns are cool. You could say, “I’d f*ck with any plant or flower and it’d be funny. I’d f*ck with those perinneals but I’m not f*cking with those annuals. Those annuals only live for one growing season. Sorry annuals. Step your game up.
hot ugly
I think all hot people who become parents should turn ugly. You shouldn’t be hot your whole life. That’s not fair. If you were hot for 30 years, that’s enough. You had a good run. Let other people be hot. I think when ugly people have kids they should become hot. Let the ugly people be hot for once. They’ve earned it. They’ve had years of ugliness. Years of pain and anguish. Let them be hot. I wish genetics worked like that. The world would be a better place. Ex hot people would be humbled. Ugly people would be happy. It’s a win win. Come on God. Do your magic. Make it happen.
happily ever after
I had my first ever professional massage. I was nervous because I thought the masseuse was going to ask me for a happy ending. She never did. I had a gift card for a 30 minute massage but it only lasted 25 minutes. I think the masseuse didn’t want to rub me down anymore. I think it was the hole in my sock. I should’ve taken my socks off. I don’t know massage etiquette. I was proud of myself because I didn’t get a boner. I for sure thought I was going to get a boner especially when she rubbed the top of my buttocks. I even called my gf after and bragged about how I didn’t get a boner. It was one of my finest accomplishments. I don’t know why people go to therapy and talk about their problems. Just go to a massage place. It costs just as much and you feel relaxed.
paying it forward
I was at juice bar and had to use the bathroom. I saw that there was a pube on the toilet seat. I didn’t want the person behind me to think it was my pube even though I would never see that person again so I blew it off. I like to leave a public bathroom clean for the next person. I believe in karma. I’m not sure why I didn’t wipe it off. I didn’t want to touch the toilet seat. I thought that blowing it off was more sanitary. I guess I didn’t have to blow off the pube because no one was behind me in the bathroom line. I’d like to think that karma made me have a good week. If you want good karma blow a pube off a toilet seat lid and make a wish.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, I’m going to put a fern in every room of my house. I want people to say, “Oh Curt… he f*cks with ferns”. I should carry a handheld vacuum with me so I can suck up public pubes. I’m a big user of public restrooms so why not. It good be a good conversation piece when I encounter strangers. “Hey, why do you carry a handheld vacuum?” “Oh… it’s to suck up toilet pubes”. I’m doing a good deed for all the hot ugly parents. It’s my way of giving back to the community. I don’t think massage therapists should have to wipe down pube seats before they give massages either.