something i own but shouldn’t
a box of expired condoms
my reaction: I have condoms that expired on April 1st, 2025. I’m not sure if that’s a joke by Trojan or not. ‘April Fools!’ Can condoms even ‘expire’? Aren’t they made out of plastic? Plastic can’t expire. I guess will see what happens 9 months from now.
water girl
I went to a Japanese restaurant and the water girl made eye contact with me every time she refilled my water. She looked deep into my eyes after each pour. It was the most intense eye contact I’ve received from a water girl. She came back to our table three times to ask if I wanted more water. She even came back to take our empty appetizer plates. I didn’t know water girls were taking plates now. There was a lot of eye contact being made. I noticed she didn’t give eye contact to any other customers. It was only for me. I needed the eye contact because earlier I just told my gf that I’m ugly again. The water girl has validated my existence. I’m back!
b manager
Every morning, I wake up with an erection. I don’t want to wake up with an erection every morning. I don’t want to be thinking like a deviant. I want to wake up with a ‘brain boner’. I want to wake up with goals, aspirations, and hope….not being a horny teenager. I guess it’s healthy waking up with a hard on every morning. I won’t need Viagra pills. But it also interrupts my sleep. All of these boners are messing with my REM. I just want to get a good night’s rest. Why do I have to be horny while I’m sleeping? Why did God make me so horny? I have a family. I shouldn’t be this horny. Just give me 5 less boners a day. I feel like two boners is reasonable. I don’t want all these boners overwhelming me. I’m trying to practice good boner management.
fictional sister
I have 2 brothers and no sisters. I always wanted a sister when I was younger so she could hook me up with her friends. I always wonder what kind of sister I would have. I hope she wouldn’t have been a hoe. I’d like to think she wouldn’t be a slut. I guess will never know. She could’ve been a slut. It’s okay that I’m calling my fictional sister a slut because she is not real. I don’t have a real sister who is a slut bag. That would be bad if I had a real sister who was a whore. I can talk all day about my make believe whore sister and no one’s feelings get hurt. She’s a slut slut slut. See…nobody gets hurt.
don’t remember
I’m trying to work on talking to people in public. I told a lady at the playground that I remembered her from a different playground. She stated she didn’t remember me. I’m not sure why she didn’t remember me. I think I said two words to her at the other playground. It was only about a month ago that we ‘met’. It got awkward because she didn’t remember me. So then I just looked like a creep. She left with her two kids shortly after. My attempt at socializing failed. I scared her off. I hope I don’t see her again because she will think I’m a stalker. Sorry lady, I’m not interested in stalking you. You were not stalk worthy.
window squats
I work out in my living room with my curtains open. I also work out in my underwear. I didn’t realize it but people can see right through our windows. Our windows are very long in our living room. The whole neighborhood can see me working out in my undies. I sometimes will go right up to the window to get some natural sun light while doing squats. I’ll do my squats in my underwear inches from the window pane. It looks like I’m air humping the window. It looks like I’m assaulting myself. You would be offended if you walked by our house and you saw me doing squats in my underwear. It would ruin your day.
doogie howser moment
In summary, I still got it. The water girl at the restaurant made eye contact with me. It must be all those underwear squats I’ve been doing. But there are also times when I’m ugly at the playground and the other mom’s get creeped out. This is what happens when you got too many boners to maintain. You can’t think straight. In conclusion, I’m glad I never had a sister because she wouldn’t have used expired condoms, she wouldn’t use any.