something i say to my gf during an argument

so you going to dump me now?

my reaction: Anytime me and my gf get in a argument I say, “are you going to dump me?”. I’m so childish. What am I in middle school? I’m forty three. I’m too old to be dumped. One day she is going to say, “yeah… you are dumped. now scram.”

squitos

Did mosquitos exist back in the day? I’ve seen zero paintings of settlers with mosquito bites. Not even one dude from the Bible. Jesus should’ve had a few bites on him. Every disciple, apostle, and town person should’ve looked so bitten up like they had a severe case of acne. Every pic of anyone’s face before mosquito repellent was invented should be nasty. How did they survive basically living outside? Every activity was outside. Everyone lived, hunted, and socialized outside. If I was a early person, I would’ve invented mosquito repellent spray even if that meant rubbing crap on my face.

fanny knife

Any boy born before 1980 carried a pocket knife. I feel like all of our grandfathers carried a pocket knife. Now, no one carries a pocket knife. This generation of future grandparents have fanny packs. What happened? My grandpa used to carry a pocket knife every where he went now I carry a fanny pack everywhere I go. A knife is manly, it’s used for survival, and protection. My fanny pack holds everything I can put in my pocket (keys, wallet, phone). If you wear a fanny pack you’ve just made yourself a target to be a victim of armed robbery. Any male wearing a fanny pack is probably going to get there butt kicked.

heaven piece

Over the weekend our family stayed at an Airbnb. The Airbnb we stayed at was called “A piece of Heaven”. Yes, for three hundred a night you can have a piece of Heaven. What a deal. Heaven is cheap. Why go to the real Heaven when you can have a piece for $300. However, I didn’t realize Heaven was so outdated. This Airbnb was old. Does Heaven have sheets from the eighties? Is it musty? Does it have flies and an outdated bathroom? I guess it was a piece of Heaven just not the good part. It was the piece of Heaven they were supposed to remodel but never did.

badge of honor

My family was visiting my father in law. My father in law is like Yosemite Sam to put it nicely. He’s old fashioned. It’s his way or the high way. He is difficult to deal with. I get nervous when I find out when we have to see him. I’m on high alert. I was able to get through the weekend. I feel like a deserve a medal of honor for my sacrifice. It’s like going to war. I accomplished something most men don’t. I prepared my kids to be on there best behavior. I told them to not scream, whine, or act out. They did a great job. They deserved an Oscar for their performance. I prepared myself mentally by listening to interrogation tapes by the FBI. I physically trained day and night to endure the hardships I would have to overcome. I ate a well balanced diet to ensure I had the energy. I was able make it through alive.

cow rage

A part of me wants to move to a small town. I know I would get bored but I’m just sick of traffic. Road rage does not exist in the country. You never see a pissed off person driving in the country. It just doesn’t happen. There are no slow drivers because there is no drivers in front of you. If you have road rage in the country then you shouldn’t have a license. It’s just you and the open road. Even if someone is driving slow, you just pass them. You end up seeing more cows than people. I’m going to move to the country. I’m not a city boy anymore. I need to see more cows.

doogie howser moment

I think I want to move to a small town. I wouldn’t have road rage anymore. I would have mosquito rage I guess. I could justify carrying a pocket knife with me. Goodbye fanny pack. Me and my gf would probably argue less. She wouldn’t be able to dump me because there would be no other guys around. In conclusion, I don’t want a piece of heaven I want the whole slice.