something i overheard a guy tell his wife
don’t ask me any questions when we get home
my reaction:. You could tell this was guy was married for a long time. He kept reiterating ‘don’t ask me any questions when we get home’ and then went on to say, “I only know what you tell me”. This guy was a genius. He had a system, and it involved no questions.
shower me with gifts (of a shower)
My gf didn’t shower for two days. She claimed she didn’t sweat so she didn’t need to. Mind you we have full access to a shower. She should’ve just showered because it feels good. I guess it saved money on the water bill that I don’t pay. Even if you think you don’t need to shower, you should. Even if it’s a rinse off. Showers are therapeutic. She didn’t think she smelled but I disagree. She smelled like an old musty grandma from the 80s. She smelled like she’s been napping on a Goodwill couch for hours. I couldn’t confirm that it was her but there was substantial evidence against her case. I’m pretty sure I could’ve convinced the ‘jury’ that she was in fact guilty of smell. Case Closed.
bike food
I have a bike trailer for my 3-year-old. I like to go on bike rides with her. It’s a great workout. I had get to groceries, and I didn’t want to drive to the store, so I took my bike. I put on our bike trailer so I could store the groceries in it. I didn’t take a kid. It must’ve looked weird to people that I didn’t have a kid in the kid trailer. They must’ve thought I was not a good parent because I was driving pretty erratic. I was going over the curb, not stopping at stop signs, and just being an overall bad cyclist. Don’t worry people my baby wasn’t in harm but my eggs and milk were. The only thing that was going to be bruised was going to be my baby carrot.
pear pressure
I needed hand soap for my bathroom because after weeks of watering it down my hand soap was just water. It was plain H20. There was no soap left. I was washing my hands with watered down water. It was time to get hand soap. I always look what soap is on sale. The only hand soap that was on a sale was Pear. Not sure why pear was on sale. All of the other soap wasn’t. Lavender, Mint, and Lemon were all regular priced. Not sure why Pear is getting a bad rap. The Pear soap has been working great. Pear soap is a lot better than water. Don’t worry Pear, you are loved by me.
ground grub
Our family wanted to go apple picking but it was sold out. Apparently, people picked so many apples the day before there were no apples left. Apple picking is the hottest thing to do right now. I’m sure we could’ve picked apples. I don’t know if you’ve ever went apple picking but there are tons of apples on the ground. I should’ve asked the orchard manager if we could’ve picked apples from the ground. I would’ve paid half price to pick apples from the ground. I have no shame in my game. I’ll eat the mess out of some ground apples.
walker rack
I was at the YMCA in the morning to drop off my daughter for preschool. I noticed the YMCA is full of old people in the morning. It’s the ‘club’ for seniors. As I was walking out of the YMCA, I noticed that someone had locked their walker to the bike rack. I’ve never seen a walker locked up. Who the hell is stealing walkers? This was not even a good walker too. There would be no reason to steal it. It was old, battered, and taped up. I don’t think there is a gang of 80-year-old thieves stealing walkers. I guess I could be wrong. Maybe there is an elder mafia. I guess times are tough. Old people are snatching up walkers.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, never water down your hand soap. It doesn’t work. If you plan to pick ground apples, you’re going to need a nice soap to wash your hands. Heck, you’re going to need to shower after picking up ground apples (hint hint to my gf). You might even need a walker to pick up ground apples. I guess it was a good idea to lock it up. However, I’ve never even locked up my bike trailer. In summary, I hope my gf doesn’t ask me any questions.