overheard in a conversation I was in
“do I always smell?”- 6th grade stepdaughter
my reaction: When she asked me, I repeated the question, took my time to answer, and said “no… not always”. I would compare your smell to the scent of the opening of a bag of sour cream and onion chips. If you like sour cream and onion, you smell good, if not, you smell bad. It’s not necessarily bad, it’s just pungent. Your pits just emit a savory scent. It’s a chip pit. Some people like savory some like sweet. I’m not here to judge.
boy of the house
After my mom got divorced she would say, “who needs a man” after she would fix something like changing a light bulb or plunging the toilet. I now do the same thing after I try to accomplish a small task, but in my case I say, “I do need a man.” I usually fail at doing work around the house such as fixing minor issues. So when it comes to needing a man, I do. Sign me up. I need a big husky man to replace the air filter, mow the lawn, and cuddle up to at night to keep me safe from burglars. I don’t have the courage to face fear in its eyes. I’m not the man of the house, I’m the little boy of the house.
strain train
I don’t know about you guys but I will wait to pee until the last second, not to go green and save on water though. I wait so my pee strain sounds strong. It makes my penis seem bigger than it actually is. It’s a great d*ck hack. Next time you’re at a bar wait until the last second to use the bathroom, and then wait for a few guys to come in and let it go. They will think your huge. Make sure you use a stall and pee right in the middle of the toilet bowl so it gets a full reverb. A nice bass sound which will make you sound full of girth. That will make you a hero in the bathroom.
writing me off
If you can’t tell by this blog or don’t know me personally, I’m a pretty sensitive person, especially in my relationship. If I don’t get the reaction I was looking for from my gf I say, “your writing me off”. It’s immature and childish, but its who I am. She could say “hi” the wrong way and I’ll put my head down muttering “your writing me off”. It’s just a feeble attempt to getting attention on my part but it works. That’s something a high school kid would say to his gf, not someone in a adult relationship should say. Hey… I’m a work in progress… don’t write me off.
what’s that you might be thinking
I took my son to the zoo a few weeks ago. I think I enjoy it more than he does. All he wants to do is ride the train. All I want to do is read the fun facts about the species I’m looking at. While in the Ape exhibit, I was reading the fun facts on bonobos. Fun facts state what they eat, place of origin, if there endangered, etc. They also have a section called “what’s that you might be thinking?”. In this particular “what’s that you might be thinking?” there was an arrow pointing to the large pink area on the bonobo. The answer was “Well…that’s the female genitalia”. First of all, I wasn’t thinking what is that big pink looking vagina thing on that bonobo? I didn’t cross my mind. Second, what kid needs to know where the bonobos vagina is? Third, who approved that? You should be fired. Not the person who wrote it but the editor. It’s just a weird fun fact. I didn’t have fun looking at that fact.
let’s start over
Usually I take it a little too far when making fun of my gf. I act in good faith but I poke and prod to the point of no return. I back myself into a hole I can’t dig myself out of. I say things like, “can you change your whole look so we can go back to the honeymoon stage?” “Can I have a hall pass?” “I wanted to kick you in the butt when you bent over but I didn’t”. When things get real bad I use my go to catchphrase which is “hi… my name is Curt…let’s start over”. Works like a charm every time. Except that one time I slept on the couch after I farted on her daughter’s face years ago. It definitely didn’t work that time.
pulling back the curtains
Xavier McDaniel was selected by the Seattle Supersonics with the 4th overall pick in 1985. His nickname was the ‘X- Man’, not to be confused with the Ex-Man which would be something entirely different. He made his first and only All Star appearance in 1988. He holds a career average of 15.6 ppg, 6.1 rpg, and 2.0 apg. He also shaved his head and eyebrows to look more intimidating while on the court. Who does that? I love it though. That’s unheard for anyone to do something like that today. Finally, he was in an episode of “Married… with Children” which I was forbidden to watch because my mom said it was sexist. Now because of not watching it I know how to treat a lady…kinda…not really… it’s a work in progress.
doogie howser moment
When it comes to parenting tell your kids the truth about how they smell, but if they catch you in a lie just say, “hi… my name is dad…let’s start over”. And if that doesn’t work put the blame on them and say ‘your writing me off”.