“He’s a stalker but a funny stalker”- co worker of mine describing a guy that likes her
my reaction: If your going to have a stalker they might as well be funny.
if I only jelked
While in college my roommate used to “jelk”. Jelking is the process of elongating your penis by pulling it repetitiously. According to Urban Dictionary, it consists of grasping the semi flaccid form of your penis at the base, then while holding tight stretching it and forcing the blood to the head of the penis while slowly moving your hand towards the head. My roommate would often play music while he was doing this. I’m not sure why he told me he was doing this but he did. While I was trying to study to get better grades, he was busy getting longer to have better sex. I should’ve taken his advice and jelked, I’d probably be a more secure person. Honestly, I’m still haunted by the jelking 20 years later. Every time I pee, I think “boy… what could’ve been…if I only jelked”.
a new hope
Even though I don’t drink beer anymore I still buy my non alcoholic beer at the liquor store. No clue why they sell non alcoholic beer at the liquor store. Do they want recovering alcoholics to fail? Sell non alcoholic beer where the soda is at a grocery store. But I still get the rush of going to the liquor store. It excites me. It gives me that sense of hope. I like having hope. There are 2 types of people that go to a liquor store. One that is hopeful and the other that is hopeless. The hopeful guy is the excited guy that has this false sense of hope that alcohol will magically make things better. They often think “tonight’s the night”. But they don’t realize it’s actually not the night and it never will be. The hopeless guy is realistic already knowing that it’s just another night like every other night. This person has already given into the gravity of life. This person is real. I am delusional so I’m the hopeful guy.
it’s principal
My gf’s ex husband is applying to be a high school principal. I hope he gets the job so he can hire me as the janitor. I would love to see the reaction on my gf’s face. She would faint. It would be the greatest gag of all time. I would ruin my career just to hear the teachers at his school say, “do you know the school custodian dates the principal’s ex wife?” I would ruin mine, hers, and his reputation all at the same time. Advantage Me.
Side note: I have nothing against the custodian community. I think it’s a nobel and honest job.
over the top bully advice
My step daughter told me that a kid in her school was picking on her during a kickball game. I told her to ignore him and that he would eventually stop. That didn’t work so I had to think of a new strategy. I told her that this kid is insecure and is jealous of you. I didn’t stop there but I should’ve. I said he is dealing with weight issues since he is a bigger kid and because of that he has been picked on his whole life. I ended with he probably doesn’t like himself because his parents don’t love him. I told her if he ever picks on you again you should say, “well at least my parents love me”. I could tell by her silence she was confused. I should’ve said just tell your teacher but instead I went into a rant about how these bully’s parents hate him. Advantage not me.
relationship hack
I told my gf she is acting like a person who is about to divorce me. She replied, “how do you know how that feels like?” I said, “I don’t know… I’ve seen it in the movies”. I like to stir the pot with comments like this. Maybe I’m paranoid. I guess I watch too much TV. She actually can’t divorce me. How can you get divorced if your never married? Advantage me?
pulling back the curtains Michael Olowokandi
Born in Lagos, Nigeria and raised in London, Olowokandi was selected as the first pick in the 1998 NBA draft by the Los Angeles Clippers. According to Wikipedia, he first touched a basketball at the age of 17, and began playing basketball when he was 18. I highly doubt that he first “touched” a basketball at age 17. I have feeling that he touched a basketball way before that. Even if you’ve never played basketball, you had to touch one. But it’s crazy to think a guy that didn’t play basketball until age 18 was the first pick in an NBA draft. He never played organized ball until college. He was a walk on at the University of Pacific. They called him a bust. How is he a bust if he only played basketball for 4 years before he entered NBA? This guy wasn’t a bust. No one is a bust if you made the NBA. He would be a bust if he wouldn’t have made the NBA. He’s a success.
doogie howser moment
All in all I feel like I’m a pretty hopeful guy. Maybe that’s why I didn’t jelk in the past, because I knew I’d find someone who wouldn’t care about my un-jelked p*nis. Things change though I guess. Now I’m insecure that my gf will divorce me even though we aren’t married. Every week I think she’ll leave me for a guy that’s a janitor who used to be a bully who jelked. Ironic. Maybe? But if she does leave me, I’ll stalk them. I won’t be a creepy stalker, I’ll be a funny stalker. Advantage me? No. Advantage no one.