Intro
For my 55th blog here is a compilation of 55 one liners I’ve wrote on napkins, receipts, and whatever else I can write my thoughts on.
doing lines like Scarface
A lot of my friends have dad bods…. none of them are fathers….they just like pizza.
My feet are so dumb …once in high school I got athletes foot playing chess.
Whenever someone tells me they have to run to the bathroom….they walk.
You ever hear the pick up line “Baby u must be tired…You’ve been running in my mind all day”? In my mind…it’s “Yeah…you’ve been running… away… from me.
They make hamburger helper still? I never thought hamburger needed help. You know who needs help… tofu.
I never drank 2 percent milk… 2%?….where did the other 98 percent go?Seriously where did it go? Milk is the only thing you buy 2% of. You can’t buy 2% water…you would die if water had only 2%.
Shampoo….A product designed to keep your hair clean has the word poo in it.
The only thing fast about fast food is the time it takes me from the table to the bathroom.
If there is one thing I’m going to quit cold turkey…. is cold turkey.
Every 4 years I exercise my right to vote…by running to the polls.
I don’t wear deodorant. I guess that makes me anti anti perspirant.
It’s hard to cozy up to a good book when it’s a kindle.
Some people like to cozy up to a good book. I like to cozy up to a good blow up doll.
My co worker found she was going to be a grandmother a month before baby was due… she’s the real insta gram.
I saw a gas station sign that said no panhandling…don’t tell me….tell Florida.
I’m so glad I found a gluten-free and vegan body wash… I was sick of washing myself with sourdough and ground beef
I have a friend with benefits. Yep… She has paid vacation, a great pension, and 401k.
Pizza Hut is making a new pickle infused pizza … there using a special crust called the “dill dough”. Can you imagine ordering that pizza? “Yes, I’ll have the dill dough”.
Every time I buy something fair trade it’s really expensive. I don’t think that’s fair I think that’s really unfair.
I went to the home goods store….I told them I was furnishing an apartment…. They said get the hell out.
I broke a bone when I was younger… luckily it wasn’t my funny bone…
I want to have an urban garden but I live in the burbs.
I’m not a person of influence… I’m a person under the influence.
I’m not a good cook. I made puppy chow once and it tasted like puppy mill chow.
I’m starting a new go fund me that will eventually put them out of business. It’s called “no fund go fund me”.
I’m having a quarter life crisis… if that holds true I’ll live to 144.
I’m in a secret society…well….not anymore.
I have a pancake booty but haven’t been to IHOP in decades.
I sleep on the side of the bed…yeah….I live life on the edge.
I’ve been at my entry level job for 10 years…at what point is not entry level?
I have a broken iPad… it’s no longer an apple… it’s a lemon.
If I hear one more person at work say “working hard or hardly working” I’m going to work hard so they can hardly work.
Stress balls make me stressed.
Once I picked up a lucky penny and my day got worse.
If Jesus was a pig farmer we would all be eating bacon on Fridays.
Jesus died on a cross, so we wear crosses, some say if he died by a gun we’d be wearing gun necklaces. If he died masturbating we’d all be wearing lotion bottles.
Do doctors see themselves when there sick?
I’m sensitive to gluten. It’s true. My feelings get real hurt if sourdough looks at me a certain way.
Someone told me I look like someone who would watch friends. I was appalled now we’re not friends
I feel a lot dumber ever since I got my wisdom teeth pulled. I really wish they would’ve pulled my dumb teeth.
Do people on Mars say, “he’s really a great guy… he’s really down to Mars”
You know what would be a bad name for a dentist place..acci… acci-dental.
When it comes to buying olive oil I buy extra virgin. I’m sick of slut olive oil.
How do you know your in the middle of nowhere? Honestly…. how…do..you…know… you could be in the south of nowhere… north.. east..,west…how about stop going to nowhere…
You ever hear someone give you there 2 cents… it always feels like 3 cents.
I graduated from the drug free class of 2000… it’s true…I’ve never done Tylenol.
I pay really nice compliments to people who say only god can judge me.
Cantaloupe is such a sad fruit. You would be too if you couldn’t marry… you know? It can’t elope (cantaloupe).
People are always in pain after they hit there funny bone…sure it wasn’t there serious bone? I don’t have a funny bone but I do have a funny penis.
I’ve never seen someone run in joggers but I have seen someone get the runs in them.
Did you hear lady Gaga is retiring from singing? She is starting her own baby clothing line called “goo goo ga ga”.
I saw a person with a sign that said “please help homeless vet” and here I thought veterinarians made good money.
You know haw dogs can have a great sense of smell and can smell drugs. My gf has a keen scent for pizza. She can find the nearest pizza place in a 10 mile radius…She has a dominoes (nose).
They say red bull gives you wings but I’ve never had any chicken with it.
pulling back the curtains
Jason Williams was selected in the first round by the Sacramento Kings with the 7th overall pick in the 1998 draft. His nickname was “White Chocolate”. He was known for his ‘street style’ of play by making behind-the back, no-look, and half-court passes. In 2006, he won an NBA championship with the Miami Heat as their starting point guard. Gary Payton, one of the top point guards ever to play was his back up. Not to go into Gary Payton but Gary Payton has 2 sons named Gary with 2 different women. I think that’s cool but very bizarre at the same time. There are plenty of names in the world and you named your sons the same name? Was the first Gary not good enough so you named your second son Gary? Be more creative Gary!
doogie howser moment
There is no way I’m tying in 55 one liners, so I’m not. But I leave you with this, out of boredom comes great things, bad things, or nothing. I use my boredom to write this.