overheard a long time ago
“Umm… those are my boobs… can I have them back?”- my 8th grade girlfriend to her friends stating what she would say if a guy ever touched her chest
my reaction: All my friends felt bad for me when news broke that I wouldn’t be able to touch a boob. I wasn’t too worried. It’s not like I was going to try to make a move on her anyway. I was shy. I don’t think I touched my first boob until I was in college. I went all of high school not touching a b. I’m sure I felt some breast meat accidentally when a girl hugged me but that doesn’t count.
the first time around
It all started in 8th grade when I was on the phone with my friend Jack Levin. He was telling me how he was breaking up with his girlfriend, Mary O’ Mallee. He asked me if I wanted to date his girlfriend. I said, “sure”. I’m not sure if I even liked her, I just didn’t know how to say no. He said, “okay, I’ll call her and let her know”. He ended up calling her and saying “Curt likes you. Will you go out with him?” She replied “yes”. He then called me back and told me she said “yes”. That was it. Just like that. That’s how I got my first girlfriend. I got my first girlfriend by having a friend ask her out for me. I feel like this moment set me back in all facets of my life. I never really asked someone out. I’ve always waited for things to fall in my lap.
jealous me
I’m not sure how many months we dated before she decided to break up with me but I knew it was short. We went out on paper but realistically there was no substance. We rarely talked on the phone and in person. I’d always get jealous that she would talk to my brother. There was reason to be. Not even sure why I was jealous? I don’t think my 8th grade twin brother would steal my girlfriend. He had his own girlfriend. I guess I’m just a jealous type. I try to not show it, but when it does comes out, I do it in a very passive aggressive way.
the break up
I found out that Mary was going to break up with me in a very 90s cinematic way. Let me tell you. I used to listen to my brother talk to his friends on the phone. Back then we had house phones. We had multiple cordless phones in the house. Anytime I found out my brother would be on the phone, I would quickly pick up the other phone without him knowing. One night he was talking to our good friend Steve. They would gossip about all the happenings of middle school on that particular day. I remember that night I hid in the bathroom holding my hand over the voice part so that they couldn’t hear my breathing. I wasn’t just in the bathroom, I was in the tub. There was no water in it. It was just me in waterless tub. It’s a good hiding spot while listening to phone conversations secretly. Anyways, I’ll never forget what Steve told my brother that night. He uttered the words no man wants to hear. I can remember it like yesterday. He said, “I feel bad for Curt. Mary is going to break up with him”. I immediately hung up the phone and started crying. Here, I sat in empty tub sobbing about a girl I thought was the one when in reality we barely even know each other.
the sequel
Don’t worry it wasn’t the end of me and Mary. We ended up getting back together weeks later. The fool that I am, I took her back. I guess I couldn’t resist living without her. It was round 2 of our relationship. We still hadn’t kissed, hugged, or held hands. It was more so a status thing for us. We talked on the phone a few times but that was basically it. I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t a leader, I was a follower. But all subpar good things come to end. She dumped me again. This time her friend dumped her for me. I remember getting a call from one of her friends saying, “sorry Curt… but Mary is going through family issues and she doesn’t want to date right now… I hope you can understand?’. No, I don’t understand. She’s dumping me because she is having family issues? That makes no sense at all. If anything you should keep me to help you get through your family issues. I can help you. Let me help you. I guess not. Don’t worry….this time I didn’t cry in a tub…I just cried on my bed.
third time’s a charm
Fool me once. Shame on You. Fool me twice. Shame on me. Fool me 3 times. I don’t know. So, you thought I would’ve learned from the previous 2 times that we broke up but I didn’t. We dated for the third time. I’m not sure how we put our differences behind us. She apparently got through her family issues without me. It was a rocky year between us. My grades started to decline. I started to get C minuses instead of C pluses. It was a tumultuous year. Break ups to make ups sums it up. At this point, I think I only dated her so I could seek my revenge. It was my last chance of redemption. It was the only way I could right the wrongs of our past relationship. It was a chance for me to take control of my life. I did it. I ended up breaking up with her while on my bike while my friends cheered me on. Yes, my friends celebrated as I told Mary “we shouldn’t date”. Imagine breaking up with someone as an adult and your adult friends cheered you as you filed for divorce on your front lawn. But its true, all my friends watched from a distance as I pumped my fist when I said “were done”. I felt like I just won the NBA championship. I was Michael Jordan during his first 3 peat. It was the biggest passive aggressive moment in my young career. I essentially dated her the 3rd time just so I could break up with her.
pulling back the curtains
Francisco Elson was drafted by the Denver Nuggets with the 41st pick in the 2nd round of the 1999 NBA draft. Elson was the seventh Dutch player to play in the NBA. He was the first Dutch player to become NBA champion, with the San Antonio Spurs in 2007. Elson is fluent in Dutch, Spanish, English, Portuguese, and Mandarin. . Elson has a brown belt in karate. Francisco Elson has nothing to do with this story.
doogie hoswer moment
I learned a lot from this relationship. I learned that I’m sensitive. I learned that I’m passive aggressive. I learned that you have to make mistakes to learn from them. Overall, it was a learning experience. For years I joked about how Mary was the one that got away. But now, in retrospect, I was the one that broke up with her. I got the last laugh not the last cry. I’m sure she is married now and has a family of her own. I hope she is doing good. I hope she doesn’t read this. It would be very weird for her to read this. I shouldn’t have used her real name in this story as well. This happened 30 years ago and it wasn’t even a serious relationship, even though I did cry in a tub.