overheard in a conversation I was in
“be careful with that knife”- me to my 2 year old
Reaction: I probably should’ve taken the knife from him…but to my defense… it was a butter knife.
momma said knock you out
I almost punched a mom. Not my mom. Not my kid’s mom. Someone else’s mom. Don’t worry… it’s the first time I’ve ever thought to hit a mom. Let me explain. I was at the beach one sunny afternoon playing with my son. This lady and her son are at the beach too. Judging by the tired look on the mom’s face… her kid was a handful. This dumb kid started throwing rocks, which is fine, because we are at the beach and that’s what kids do. But this kid gets out of hand and starts to throw them in our general vicinity. This is where a good parent would intervene and stop said behavior. But the dumb mom doesn’t say or do anything. Eventually one of the rocks hits my son right in the forehead and he starts crying. This is the exact moment in where I wanted to punch this mom in the face. Not the arm… not the leg… the face. The kid was too young to hit, but the mom was fair game. She made the kid apologize even though she does not, but instead asks ‘how old is he?’. This just reinforces the punch I want to give her. I take my kid and leave. She is lucky I’m passive aggressive, so all I do is knock her out in my mind.
new kind of wing night
A lot of kids are sad dinosaurs are dead because they wanted to see them in real life. Sorry kids, I don’t think they would’ve been nice in real life. It’s not like you could’ve went to a Dino petting zoo. I’m also sad there not here but for different reasons. I’m sad there not here because I want to eat them. I’ve always wondered what they would’ve tasted like. Chicken? Cow? Tofu? Instead of going out for chicken wings….we’d be going out for teradactyl wings. Imagine that order at BW3s? Let me get a 12 wings of Buffalo Teradactyl wings with ranch on the side. Think about all the dinosaur related food you could eat. The possibilities are endless with today’s chefs. Paula Dean would love to grill a T Rex T Bone. Think of how much food you could feed with one dinosaur? We would be able to get rid of all those cows adding methane to the atmosphere and reverse climate change.
small town waves
The small town wave is the biggest crock of BS I’ve ever witnessed. I drove through a few small towns in Wisconsin on my way to hunt for morels. Morels are a type of rare mushroom that grow in 2 week period in the Spring . It’s the only thing I will hunt and kill, unless your a mom who lets there son throw rocks at your children, then I’ll hunt and kill you. I noticed everyone waves when they drive by you. Dude…I don’t know you… stop waving. You could be a serial killer, pedophile , or both. Is that really a sincere wave? Does your hand get tired from waving so much? I mean it’s not a crazy back n forth wave… it’s a subtle lift of the hand off the steering wheel. It’s more of a nod… it’s a hand nod. It’s the laziest attempt at trying to be nice. Imagine trying to do that small town wave in the city during rush hour traffic. Your hand would break and need surgery and more importantly no one would wave back.
american hand pie
My son almost caught me doing something no father should be doing while his son naps. Even if he did catch me… he wouldn’t of known what I was doing. I could’ve told him I was stretching, yoga, or Pilates (no one knows what Pilates is). I would’ve been pretty embarrassed nonetheless. That’s not something I wish on no one to see. It would be like a scene from a future American Pie movie when the gang is all grown up and has families. I can see it now. Jim and Michelle have 3 kids who they home school because of quarantine. One day Jim Junior walks in and catches him having sex with a cupcake. Then Jim’s dad walks in because he always finding his son doing something sexual. They sit down and have a talk about the cupcake that was for his son’s birthday. That’s the script to American Pie 4: My Kid’s Cupcake . It taught me a very valuable lesson that day. It taught to never wait to do what you want to do an hour after he is asleep. Do the thing you want to do right after you put him down for a nap. Go from being a good parent to a disgusting vile human being in seconds. From classy to nasty.
barb wire tramp stamp
I’m trying to think what is more generic? A tramp stamp or barb wire tattoo? I thought long and hard about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that both are awesome. That’s self awareness that only a yogi could wish to attain. That’s next level confidence in its highest form. I wish I could pull the trigger on doing something that dumb and then showing it off to all my fiends. Every guy who had a barb wire tattoo could probably beat me up. That’s putting money where your mouth is. But every girl with a tramp stamp was not a hoe. I never met a girl with a tramp stamp. I guess I wasn’t lucky enough. I bet that mom who let her kid throw a rock at my son has a tramp stamp. She should have a bad mom stamp aka a black eye from God.
pulling back the curtains
Toni Kukoc was the man. He was born in Crotia and played in the NBA for many years, most notably for the Chicago Bulls. He was one of 4 players in NBA history to win 6th man of the year and the championship in the same year. Apparently he has a lot of nicknames too… the best being The Pink Panther and The Waiter. Kukoc was a avid table tennis player in his youth, glad he chose basketball. I think being the 6th Man is was one of the most important roles in the NBA. You have to be humbled enough to come off the bench and get right in the rhythm. Toni was a starter and a bench player throughout his career… he did what was best for the team.
doogie howser moment
Do what you can today. Don’t put it off until tomorrow or let alone even an hour. So, if you want a tramp stamp….Do it now! Don’t bother waving unless you mean it. If your going to be a bad parent get a barb wire tattoo so I know to avoid you. And lastly… if your going to let your kid play with a knife make sure it’s for butter.