overheard in a conversation I was in
“The dentist office...which was 3 months ago”- my stepdaughter when asked when was the last time she flossed her teeth
my reaction: Dentists floss your teeth for you…so technically you may have never flossed your teeth….ever. She is in 5th grade.
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood
There’s a family on our block that we think are weird. Every time they walk by our house they put their head down as to try to avoid human contact. However, they are seen talking to other neighbors, just not us. I, of course, take it personal. Why won’t they talk to me… I’m normal. It’s funny because we think there the weird family but in reality they are probably thinking the same thing. We are just two weird families who probably would get along if we just talked. I don’t know… maybe not? They have kids in elementary school that stare oddly at us as we drive by. Honestly, it angers me and it shouldn’t. The smirk on this kid’s face is so effective that it makes me want to mow her down with my vehicle. But I don’t, I just drive around the opposite way if I know they’re on the front lawn. Obviously, they didn’t watch Mr. Rogers growing up. It looks like they grew up on The Walking Dead…..creeps.
big boy potty
I’ve been trying to potty train my about to be 3 year old. So, for the last week, I’ve been peeing in his little kid potty in the living room. Its quite difficult to hover over a kid potty and pee like a college coed in public on spring break. It hasn’t been working. The potty training that is, I can pee just fine in the big boy potty. It’s turned into him just watching me pee. Great… I created a voyeur. It’s crazy because he will encourage me to pee in the kid potty. I will oblige instead of trying to be the parent. At this point, I’ve given up. You want to pee and poop yourself for the rest of your life be my guest it’s not my baby butt that’ll get a rash.
It was a real nail biter
I’ve had to get creative while being a quarantine dad. Efficiency is the word that comes up most when your a temporary single dad trying to figure it all out. It’s tough to watch your kid and drop a deuce at the same time. While in the bathroom taking a # 2 my son walked in. I don’t poop with the door closed. Never did. Never will. It’s a open door policy. I was also cutting my finger nails while on the toilet. 2 birds 1 stone right? I had to keep him entertained so I had him help me cut my nails… not poop. Could you imagine my son coaching me to poop? “Come on daddy… knock it out the park” while he is patting me on the back. “Keep your eye on target… you can do it”. He cut a few of my nails and I cut a few of his, it was a win win. Some might think that’s gross, but I think of it as a highly effective work skill that a future employee would love to see in a potential employee. It shows creativity, resourcefulness, and ability to work in a team setting.
tofu tuesdays
I’m vegan because it’s trendy, hip, and cool not because my diet depends on it. I do believe it’s better for the Earth. I’m most likely sensitive to gluten and lactose. I don’t have a sensitivity to chicken, fish, or meat I just chose to limit it. Trust me I love fried chicken but I don’t like KFC. Give me KFT. Kentucky Fried Tofu instead. Then we can talk. However, I don’t think Kentucky will ever fry up some tofu. I’m sure there is some law against it. They are too ‘git r done’. The Colonel will never have that! How could you disgrace his secret recipe of instant diarrhea with Tofu? That’s something California would do. Those darn liberals and there plant based food.
not to dog you but I am
The day I get a dog is when they learn how to wipe there buttholes. Seriously, learn how to wipe mans best friend. If you were mans best friend you would know how to wipe. I’m not a dog lover. I’m a dog liker. Actually, I’m a ‘kinda dog liker’. Eventually your house becomes a kennel when you become a dog owner. I don’t need to constantly vacuum dog pubes and Doberman dingle berries everyday. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate dogs. The only time I hate dogs is after I take a shower. I don’t need your ball slobber on my face. I don’t need the dog I own and love to teabag me in his cute little doggy way. The only way I get a dog if it’s stuffed or if it’s hot.
Pulling back the curtains on Avery Johnson
Avery Johnson went undrafted in the NBA but had a 16 year career in the league from 1988 -2004. That’s amazing for an undrafted player who was only 5’10. Then he immediately went into coaching as an assistant with the Dallas Mavericks under Don Nelson in 2005. He won coach of the month in April 2005 just after being head coach of the Mavericks for one month. Fastest coach to 50 wins, 100 wins (now broken), and 150 wins. The guy was also an analyst for ESPN. He has been in many roles that required for him to be vocal even though he had a squeaky voice. Avery Johnson. Player. Coach. Analyst. And probably many other things I didn’t feel like looking up.
doogie howser moment
Sometimes you got to get your hands dirty and in my case you got to get your a$$ dirty. I’ve always liked a coach who showed you and not tell you, so that’s what I try to do as parent. Teach your kids how to crap the ol fashioned way not YouTube. I actually used YouTube a lot for parent advice. Don’t take parental advice from me but you probably already know that. Break the ice with people you think are weird you might have more in common than you think. When you think of Avery Johnson.. “it’s the fight in the dog…not the size of the dog.” But I don’t like dogs so I picked a bad analogy.