intro
I want to live life to the fullest before I really have to live life to the fullest when my Doctor tells me I have one week to live
my reaction: There’s always a movie where someone goes through the motions in life and then finds out he is going to die so he starts living life to the fullest. He has a new sense of motivation to travel the world, fall in love, and do crazy things. It would be exhausting if the doctor said, “you have one week to live” but you ended up living for another year. You would be tired, more unhealthy than you are now, and have a slew of STDS.
puddle
My 5 year old son went to a birthday party at a kids gym to do a ‘ninja’ course. There was a climbing wall, ropes course, and balance beam. He also eat Dominos pizza and cake. While on the ride home from the party, he said his stomach hurt and he ended up puking in the car. He left a puddle of puke in the backseat. There was no way I was stopping it. My 9 month old daughter was in the backseat sleeping while my son was projectile vommiting like a college coed at a frat party. In true fashion he even cried like a drunk white girl weeping “my parents are going to be mad”. He blamed Dominoes pizza. He said Dominoes pizza is garbage. We no longer eat Dominoes.
dough-nuts
I went to pick up Doughnuts from the Donut Shop for my step daughter’s 13th birthday party. When I arrived at the Doughnut shop the cashier told me a guy came in and threw the tip jar at her. She told me how this person was begging for doughnuts outside the storefront and an altercation ensued. Doughnuts are a strange thing to beg for. Life’s not that bad if your begging for a sweet. She told the paying customer to not buy a doughnut for the beggar. The customer obliged and did not. What happened to Freedom? That’s a bad business model. You just lost one doughnut in sale. The customer then went outside and told the beggar that the lady in the store told her she couldn’t. So, the doughnut beggar came in the store, picked up the tip jar, and threw it at the cashier’s face. The change in the jar canvassed the floor. The cashier was in disarray. When I arrived she was on the phone with the cops. You know how cops love their doughnuts. I’m sure they answered quickly. I felt bad because the only tips in her jar were pennies. No dollars. Not even a quarter. Not even a nickel. It was all pennies. I felt even more bad.
bread winner
I shop at Whole Foods because I like paying over priced for food. I had to pick up a loaf of sliced sourdough and they have a automatic bread slicer for customers to use. I was nervous to use it but the directions seemed simple enough. All I had to do is open the lid, put the loaf in, and the machine does the rest. I didn’t want to ask an associate for assistance. I’m a grown man. I didn’t want them to shrug their shoulders and say ‘it’s easy just follow the directions.’ Plus they looked busy. I don’t like bothering people. I know how to work simple machines. This was going to be a piece of cake. I followed the picture of how to do it, put the loaf in, and let it do it’s slicing magic. The machine went on and then stopped. “Oh great” I thought to myself. That’s why I don’t do things on my own. My loaf was stuck in the middle of the machine. I panicked. I looked around for someone to help me but no one made eye contact. I had to get out quick. I grabbed another loaf and quickly scurried out before a baker could see what I did. I wasted a perfectly baked sourdough loaf. I pinched a loaf.
brain lame game
My gf has started playing brain games before she goes to bed. I don’t know why she feels the need to play a brain game at the end of the night, she has 4 kids and just worked a 8 hour shift. Do you want your brain to explode? I think you use your brain enough. Playing a word game is not going to make you smarter. It’s not going to be the main factor that cures you of memory loss. Why don’t you use your brain for something else that benefits me? Use that think tank to give me a handy or something. I don’t benefit from your brain games. Stop playing brain game with me.
female bathroom spray
I work with all females at the office. We have access to one bathroom. It’s a shared bathroom. I don’t like it. I wish I had my own men’s bathroom to go to. I’m worried to see what the damage my women coworkers do in these bathrooms. I avoid eye contact with the toilet bowl just in case I see a murder scene. I always keep the toilet seat lid down even if I’m peeing. I’m not touching that butt infected seat. In this bathroom is also a aerosol air freshener. It’s even labeled with a permanent marker to the bathroom it belongs to. I’m not sure how many people are stealing aerosol air fresheners but someone must have. These women must be blowing up the bathroom. They don’t want anyone to steal their spray. It’s a watermelon scent. I guess that’s better than what’s coming out of them.
doogie howser moment
In retrospect I don’t know if I want to live life to the fullest. It’s too much pressure. It stresses me out. I can’t even work an automatic bread slicer. I guess I’ll just wait to the doctor tells me I have one week to live. Until then I’d rather just go through the motions. I’ll just spray the air freshener when I don’t have to. I won’t play brain games. Why does my gf play brain games? It makes me want to throw a tip jar at a doughnut cashier. Why play brain games? I’m playing real life brain games like trying to figure out how to get puke odor out of my car. Maybe I should’ve stole that watermelon air freshener from work.