# 156 “online looking”

a thing I don’t like that happens to me every day

I don’t like when I’m at a stop light and car pulls up right next to me.

my reaction: I always think the car next to me is looking at me. I think they are making fun of me like “look at the at loser in the car next to me.” I don’t know why. I’m scared to look over and see who it is. In reality, they don’t even know I exist, unless they looked at me and made fun of me before I looked at them.

window

One morning as I left the house for work my 10 month old daughter was staring out the window. It was a cute moment. She looked so innocent. She looked out the window as if to say don’t leave dad. I waved goodbye even though she can’t wave herself. It’s the gesture that counts. Then as I slowly drove off I did a voice over in my head saying, “and that’s the last time I saw her” while a violin played slowly in the background. I didn’t really want to say that. I don’t mean that. I think I’ve just watched too much TV. I blame TV shows and Movies. Don’t worry it wasn’t the last time I saw her.

pre vac

I’m taking a vacation with my family and I’m getting anxious. There is 6 of us (2 adults and 4 kids). I think I need to take a vacation before I take a vacation. I need a personal vacation before I go on a family vacation. I’ve seen too many family vacation movies where things go wrong. I don’t want to be the dumb dad that the family looks up to in case we drive in the wrong neighborhood, get lost in a national forest, or get attacked by a wild animal. I have to be the leader of the pack. I have to make decisions and stick to them. I have to exude confidence. I can’t show weakness during the trip. I got to look like I have it all together. I will have it all together if sh*t hits the fan, I can run really fast away from danger.

online looking

My step daughter says she is addicted to online shopping. She will spend hours looking at clothes online. I think she has looked at every article of clothing that there is for a teenager. I don’t think the fashion industry can keep up with her browsing. What else can there be? There’s no more new clothes to look at . You’ve looked at everything. Also, your not online shopping if you don’t buy anything. You are just looking. You are online looking.

morning slam

I was bored in the morning and I tackled my gf while she was getting ready for work. Sometimes you just need to tackle your partner and body slam them on the bed. I know this sounds very domestic but it isn’t, it was quite playful. Plus, she honestly believes she can beat me up just because she takes a YMCA Cardio Kickboxing class. She thinks she is Rouda Rhousey now. Dude, just because you take cardio kickboxing class at the YMCA doesn’t mean anything. You are doing a free fitness class with senior citizens. Your getting trained by a part time aerobics instructor named Judy to burn calories not by Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid. I guess I should let her think she can beat me up. I can’t go around saying I can beat my gf up. Who brags that they can beat their own gf up? Not me. She can beat the crap out of me. She wins.

present is female

My gf makes double the amount of money I do. They say Future is female, I disagree, the Present is female. The thing is my girl wears leggings to work everyday. She looks like she is going to a rummage sale. She pulls up to work in flip flops and a crew sweatshirt and is like pay me hoes and they do. That’s not fair, I have to wear khakis and collard shirts and I make way less. I have to look important to make a honest buck. I’m just a working stiff trying to do right. My girl looks like she pulled up to Goodwill before she goes to work wearing the clothes she bought there and she is making it rain.

doogie howser moment

It’s not macho to think you can beat up your partner. Don’t think that especially when your gf makes more money than you. She just might cut you off from that family vacation. You might really not see your daughter again. It will really be the last time you see her. You will then have plenty of times to make eye contact with a person at a stoplight while your driving around town after getting kicked out of the house. You’ll be online looking for an apartment.