the first thing my two-year-old daughter says when she wakes up
I want elmo
my reaction: You don’t want mom or dad? The ones that keep you alive. You want one of the most annoying characters on Sesame Street. It’s 5:00 am. You need breakfast. Not a puppet who likes to be tickled and talks in the third person.
day dream catcher
Why do people have dream catchers in thier cars? Dream catchers are supposed to be above your bed. A dream catcher in the car is the last place it should be unless you’re living in your car. No one should be sleeping behind the wheel. You should be texting and driving. The dream catcher won’t work while you are driving a car. Dream catchers don’t catch day dreams as well. I want to remove all dream catchers from people’s cars. It’s a distraction. It’s worse than texting and driving.
young love
I’m jealous of my stepdaughter’s relationship with her boyfriend because he gets so much attention from her. It’s probably an unhealthy amount of attention but still attention. She talks to him nightly, rearranges her schedule to see him, and has basically devoted her life to him. This guy must feel like he is a King amongst peasants. She drives him around. Pays for activities. This guy has got it good. He is living the high life. Young love is where it’s at.
fluffer
I miss doing blue collar work. I miss working with my hands. I work an office job but with people. My job is to help people find jobs. It can be rewarding but I also want to feel accomplished. I want to learn a skill. I want to be an apprentice. I want to know things normal people don’t. I want to be a blacksmith, carpenter, or an auto mechanic. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to put some skill to my name. The only thing I do with my hands is clean, empty the dishwasher, and fluff pillows. I can fluff the sh*t out of some pillows. I’m the number 1 fluffer. My pillows are the fluffiest.
stream of consciousness
My office is located in the basement of a bank building. I’m actually right below the first floor bathroom. I can hear every pee. I hear all the pee streams throughout the day. Sometimes I feel like I’m about to get peed on. I feel like that girl in the R. Kelly video who got peed on. The pee streams are mighty. The bankers can really let their pee out. It’s beginning to become soothing for me. The pee stream is my ASMR. It’s a therapeutic pee stream. It’s like a waterfall that lasts for 10 seconds. It’s just a quick stream of tranquility.
graffiti p
I usually eat lunch outside no matter what the weather is. I need to get out of my office space. I don’t like being surrounded by fluorescent lighting and no windows. I always eat at this little green space between my office and grocery store. There was a spray painted penis on the grocery side wall for several months but it’s finally been painted over. I looked at that penis every day for the last three months. I’ve started at that penis daily. I’ve been in deep thought looking at that penis wondering where life will take me. I’ve even prayed to that graffiti penis. It was like the cross but in the form of a poorly drawn penis and now it’s gone.
doogie howser moment
In summary, I’m going to start fluffing more pillows. It will make me feel more accomplished in life. If you have a pillow, I’m your man. My day consists of listening to pee streams and looking at penis graffiti. I need young love. I need to fluff. In conclusion, maybe I need a dream catcher in my car because I’m having nightmares of Elmo.