something my son says during an emergency
call 991
my reaction: If my son will hear a loud noise in the house he will say,”emergency… emergency… call 991!”. Obviously, that’s the wrong number. 991 is not going to get you anywhere. But if you actually dial 991 that should be forwarded to 911. That person needs help. A lot of help. 991 should be the new 911.
gummy health
My gf loves supplements but she only takes supplements in gummy forms. I think that’s her excuse for eating gummy bears. All supplements are in gummy form. You can get healthy by eating candy now. You can get all the vitamins in the world from a gummy bear. Who would’ve thought that a gummy bear would make you healthy? She is healthy through gummy bears. Supplements used to come in pill form. They were nasty. Now they are all gummies. I guess if you want to be healthy make sure you eat your gummies. No longer do you have to eat veggies and fruit. Just eat your gummies.
carrot protection
When I was in high school my older cousin taught my brothers and me on how to put on a condom. It was the 90s during the HIV/AIDS epidemic. The AIDS scare was rampant. I think she used to work at a planned parenthood that gave out free condoms. So, I was at my Aunt’s one day and my cousin had just came back from handing out free condoms somewhere. I don’t remember her job title or if she was a volunteer. All I know was that she handed out condoms. She was a condom distributer. She ended up showing us how to put a condom on a carrot. She got a carrot from the fridge and put it on the condom. I thought in my mind can she do that again but with a baby carrot? I’m not sure what they did with that carrot but I think my Aunt kept it and ate it. I would’ve thrown the carrot away. Who the hell would eat a condom wrapped carrot?
love goat
My gf said she wouldn’t date anymore if we broke up. I’m not sure if I should believe her. That’s a nice thing to say about me. I guess I’m the last man she will ever love. She will never love another human man again. It also puts the pressure on me. I’m the symbol and embodiment of love for her. I can’t handle that pressure. If we break up, she will lose faith in mankind. She will never be happy again. I guess that makes me the best lover in the world. Feast your eyes on the best biggest lover in the world guys. It’s me. The guy who writes this weekly blog.
ms. freeze
My only other coworker in the office will turn off the heat before she leaves work early which is okay but I’m still there. Do I not give off heat vibes? Does she think I like to be cold? I like comfort. I’m not an amphibian. I’m a human being. I like to be warm. Does she think I can’t handle turning off the heat? I’m good at turning the heat off. It’s a one button push. I vacuum and take the trash out weekly. I’m responsible. My coworker is trying to ice me up. Trying to freeze me to death. Thank god it’s spring time.
wack belt
The neighborhood kid told my son that he is a black belt in karate. No you’re not. You’re 6 years old. You don’t even have a white belt. The only belt you have is the one you wear to keep your pants from falling. Stop lying. I could easily kick his @ss. There is no way he’s a black belt. He can hardly ride a bike. He can barely put on clothes yourself. I’m sure he still wets the bed. Get out of her with that noise. I’ll give that kid the belt. I’ll spank him with it for lying. Then you’ll know the real meaning of a black belt.
doogie howser moment
In conclusion, if there is an emergency call 911. If there is a fake emergency like your co worker turning off the heat call 991. Call 991 if the lying neighborhood kid says he’s a black belt. I might have to call 911 if my gf breaks up with me. She will be okay. She will be healthy from all the gummy bears. But I at least know how to put a condom a carrot.